A new study out of Antarctica has found that, in terms of fight or flight, this particular colony of peace-loving Emperor Penguins is absolutely fucked.
According to the study, climate change has significantly shrunk down the territory of the penguins’ natural predators, with researchers saying they’re worried about the future of the species if these famously flightless birds don’t learn to stand up for themselves.
Reports coming out of Antarctica suggest that some field researchers have taken it upon themselves to toughen up these intensely conflict-averse creatures.
“Come on, fight back!” shouted one researcher, while absolutely wailing on one penguin with his fists. “Stand up for yourself, goddamnit!”
Another researcher opted to verbally berate the penguins, calling them such things as “an embarrassing excuse of a bird” and “slippery winged water rats.”
Early reports suggest that these attempts have been largely unsuccessful and have, in fact, made the penguins even more shy and afraid of any sort of altercation, be it verbal or physical.
“That one has completely shut down,” said one sheepish researcher, gesturing to the Emperor Penguin he had called a “coward and a fool” just moments before.
Witnesses confirm that the penguins seemed to be both physically and emotionally hurt by the researchers’ actions, but that they still refuse to raise so much as a wing or utter a squawk in defense of themselves.
Some researchers reported that they didn’t see a future for this particular Emperor Penguin colony.
“They’re going to die, plain and simple,” said one rogue researcher with a dark look in his eyes. “If they can’t even tell someone off for calling them ‘pre-fried chicken,’ how are they going to fend off a ravenous Leopard Seal?”
Other researchers took a more optimistic stance.
“One penguin waddled toward me hesitantly before ultimately retreating,” one researcher told reporters. “I feel like that shows great promise for these creatures to become more assertive. Plus, another one yelled ‘Leave me the fuck alone!’ after we prodded him for too long, which was such a breakthrough in learning that these penguins could be pushed so far past their breaking point that they inevitably snap, and also that they can speak English.”
At press time, researchers were still divided on whether or not the pacifist tendencies of this penguin clan would ultimately be its demise, completely ignoring reporters’ questions about the implications of penguins being able to talk.
