While organizing her desk last Monday, San Ramon, CA resident Cass Serrano balled up a piece of paper and successfully threw it into the garbage can from across the room, but no one saw – so now she’s making us write this whole fucking article about it.
“It was so crazy,” said Cass when she called us to report the story. “It was one of those moments where as soon as it went in, I started to question my own reality. I was like, ‘Wait, did that actually just happen?’ But then I went and looked in the trash and sure enough, there it was.”
This incredible tale of awe-inducing athleticism truly begs the question, how did Cass get the extension for my office? That is not public information.
“Obviously it’s upsetting that no one was there to witness this really sort of glorious moment,” said Cass. “But then at the same time, maybe those were the only circumstances in which such an event could have occurred. It’s a beautiful irony, actually, to be able to do something so amazing but only in the absence of an audience.”
A thought-provoking point from a woman who claimed to have important information on a cold case murder when I attempted to hang up the phone, only to then talk some more about throwing paper in the trash.
“Is there a moment when an athlete realizes, like, okay this is what I was put on the earth to do?” Cass said. “I’m not saying that’s what I had, I’m just wondering if that’s a thing, and if so, would that maybe be a good lens for me to understand this achievement through?”
Who’s to say? Well, this seems as good a time as any to end this article, and oh-
“I wish there was a way to express to people how small this garbage bin really is, and how the balled up paper went directly in not hitting the side or anything,” added Cass, blocking the entrance to my front door.
“Include my information in the article so other outlets can reach out for follow-up interviews.”