This Progressive Bro Wears Nail Polish but Not Condoms

It’s 2018, and progressive men are taking an ever more active role in dismantling the gender norms that regulate our society and uphold hegemonic power structures. At the forefront of this mission of liberation is radical 23-year-old Brooklyn resident Myles Shane. Shane demonstrates his disregard for patriarchy by bravely wearing nail polish, but not condoms.


“I wear nail polish as a natural extension of my self-expression,” said Shane. “Similar to not wearing condoms, it’s what makes me feel most comfortable and like myself.”


Always one to push boundaries and challenge expectations, Shane bravely rocks a chipped blue manicure and consistently tries to have unprotected sex.


“Flouting the rules of society by having my female friends paint my nails gives me the confidence to go after what I want, such as raw sex,” said Shane. “When I’m hooking up with a girl, I’ll ask her if she wants to have sex, and if she says ‘yes’, I don’t initiate a conversation about protection. I sorta just hope she doesn’t say anything.”


“However,” continued Shane. “If she does say something, I’ll always stop and offer anal or even just a blowjob if that’s what she’s up for. It’s so important to listen to women.”


Despite Shane’s assuredness that he is championing gender equality, the women in his life have expressed reservations over his methods.


Annabel Lee, who recently hooked up with Shane, reported she was left less than contented by the experience.



“I met Myles at a mutual friend’s party,” said Lee. “When I saw his nail polish I figured he must have progressive views of gender and would probably go down on me a lot. I was very wrong. He went down on me briefly and terribly like he was completing a sexual obstacle course. Then I asked if he had a condom and he said, ‘That’s just not how I roll.’ I left immediately.”


“We haven’t talked since then,” added Lee. “But he still texts me posters for shows that his band is playing.”


In spite of such hateful criticism, Shane has no intention to stop capitalizing on what his painted nails misleadingly signify to the world around him.


“My wearing of nail polish is sort of a queering of history,” said Shane, who doesn’t know what that means. “I think gender performance is a relic that can’t be gone too soon. I feel the same way about condoms.”


“Besides,” Shane concluded, “As a feminist, I think all women have the right to get IUDs. Then, they can have condomless sex with me, no problem.”