Lauren and Ryan, have a courtship tale as comfortingly digestible as their symmetrical faces that we’re sure you’d love to hear more about. Unfortunately, their feel-good story hit the internet the same day as lots of other internet things and never gathered the attention they thought they deserved.
“I just wanted our story to move people,” says Lauren as you, the reader, are already clicking on a link to Beyonce and Kendrick Lamar’s BET performance from several weeks ago. “True love is rea—“ continues woman, who couldn’t finish her word in time before a Buzzfeed article loads.
Their piece had a median attention span of 30%, losing readers at the part of the story where they were in different cities yet had hearts in the same place, and something about a dog and the military, obviously. There is also some detail about God helping them.
Kendall Wright, a college sophomore and the most popular Facebook resharer in her dorm, couldn’t muster passing along the story of the lovebirds from a suburban town in a flyover state. We couldn’t remember the details over the sounds of our own heavy sighs as she clicked on a different video of a capybara hugging a smaller, cuter capybara.
“Normally I would be all about stuff like this,” says Kendall, as she aggressively shared cat videos. “But I went through a breakup this week and I am really NOT in the mood right now.”
Experts have suggested that the pair’s happy story actually makes people feel like shit right around the :17 second mark, forcing them to go ahead and click on a recommended link about weight loss. But studies have shown that the most likely reshares of “Our Incredible Story” are by your mother with your whole family tagged in the post, so you will keep getting updates while you’re trying to watch an autoplay of a NowThis video.
“What the fuck am I still doing on this page?” you ask yourself aloud. We know! There’s so much other internet out there!
The couple is trying to keep a positive attitude, and hope to turn the situation into a new, more engaging inspirational video or maybe just a listicle of themselves reimagined as Disney princesses.