You and your roommate share tons of stuff. You went 70/30 on the new microwave, she saw you use some of her almond milk the other day and didn’t say anything, and she knows she can totally hit up your Neti Pot whenever. So the next time you’re about to have your bean burrito defrosted by an eligible bachelor, but find yourself prophylactically unprepared, here are the top places to look for her stash of rubbers—trust us; she totally won’t mind!
Her Nightstand
Boom, baby! This is the #1 hotspot when it comes to where roommates keep their condoms. It’s so convenient! Your roomie probably just reaches over and grabs a Ribbed For Her Pleasure without even taking her lips off the guy she met at Whole Foods. She’s always had an eye for ergonomic design and in this case, “form follows fuckin’.”
Her Sock Drawer
Bingo! Dudes masturbate into tube socks, and they also skadoosh into condoms! No wonder your roommate went to grad school—she’s brilliant at putting condoms in sock drawers. Don’t feel bad about not having a plan to buy her more condoms. She has health insurance, and they’re probably covered. Also the guy she dates seems stable, like he might actually be willing to purchase condoms himself. Cool!
The Freezer
After you soil her stash from the nightstand and sock drawer, she’s going to get creative. But you know she always hides her candy in the back of the freezer, behind the broccoli and asparagus and other nasty shit she knows you won’t touch. But you’re onto her, that saucy wench! Rummage around and gank a couple bite-sized Snickers while you’re in there for a pre-safe-sex pick-me-up. And don’t forget to pop the condom into the microwave on HIGH for 45 seconds to let it defrost. On the off-chance that it explodes, don’t worry—that microwave is 30% yours!
7-Eleven
She’s the one who told you about their surprisingly well-curated collection, and boy, was she right! All different sizes, textures and flavors, too—what a horny, resourceful little hobag! Text her right now while she’s on her way home to thank her—oh, and to tell her not to come home since this shit’s gonna get loud. You are so bad!
On Your Pillow
O. M. Effing. G. She left you a strip of your favorite rubbers, right on your pillow! You and your roommate have something really great going. You always warn each other before you bring boys home because you consider each other’s feelings and space. You show her that you care by writing “almond milk” on the grocery list after she finishes it. She shows you that she cares by leaving condoms on your pillow, just like the fancy chocolates she gets at the Holiday Inn when she travels for work. It’s like she always knows exactly what you need… and you don’t even have to ask.
Wherever your roommate is hiding those condoms, you’ll find them. Don’t be afraid to bring your man-friend along on the search! After all, you guys are so great at sharing!
