It’s summertime, and you know what that means—there are so many things you need to change about yourself before you go outside! It’s time to touch up your roots, go to the gym, get a base tan so your skin doesn’t burn, and pay a stranger to rip all the hair out of your vag! Then you’ll be ready for the the perfect teeny bikini! Follow this guide to make sure that your bikini shows off all of that stranger’s hard work:
This swimsuit is perfect for lounging on the beach sipping a tropical drink—and trust us, you’re gonna need a drink after having a stranger rip all the hairs out of your entire lower midsection! Its triangular cut makes it clear that you paid $70 to have someone pour hot wax on your most private of parts.
Cheeky Hipster Bikini
The way your summer butt skin glows in these bottoms will make it super obvious that you suffered with your legs spread while an unfamiliar woman pulled strips of paper off of your labia majora! Do a few cartwheels so people can see how bald you are. You’ve earned it!
Boy Short Bikini
These are boy shorts, but you’re going to show that you went through a whole ordeal of tearing a bunch of hair right out of your flesh, because you’re a girl! The low rise of the bottoms will signal to everyone that you held back tears while your pubic hairs were swiftly removed! Yay, summer!
This vintage style almost reaches your belly button, but there’s plenty it doesn’t leave to the imagination—namely, the pain you went through to make sure it would sit flat across your mons pubis! This suit will have onlookers screaming with jealousy, just how you screamed in pain two days ago when someone was ripping all the hair off of your most nerve-dense area!
Time to show it all off—your anguish, that is! This style makes it painfully clear that you endured Geneva Convention-flouting torture to get to this level of hairlessness. Make it look like you can’t even grow hair, even though everyone knows that you paid a stranger to remove it!
All in all, these swimsuits are going to make you look fab, but more importantly, they’ll let everyone know that you spent money to have someone you’ve never met before remove the hairs from your vagina and butthole. Happy summer!