Moms: We’ve all been there. That awkward moment when you’re all, “Uhhhhh, you okay, baby?” Can’t tell if your baby is dead or just hardcore sleeping, but don’t want to jump to conclusions because it’s probably fine? Here’s how to deal when your sleeping baby might be doing a great impression of a dead person.
Maybe touch him? Like, push him a little?
Huh. He’s like, really still. How can you be sure he’s asleep and not like…y’know? You don’t want to wake him up since it took forever to get him to go down for a nap, but like, what if??? He’s SO STILL! If you’re really worried about your child, you technically should take any step necessary to figure out if your baby is fine and asleep or in cardiac arrest and needs an ambulance immediately. But ughhh, even thinking about that is so stressful!!! A slight, tentative nudge should be enough…right?
Stare at his baby chest—is he breathing?
Take a good long look at that fat lil’ baby torso. It’s moving, right? Sort of? Maybe not. Maybe that’s just your eyes playing tricks on you because you want him to be breathing, so make sure it’s for real!
Ummm, is that face color normal?
It’s like, the regular color, but like, sort of pale? Or maybe it’s just the lighting. But also his cheeks are flushed. Is that a good sign or a bad sign? Take a pic and Instragram it with the caption, “Normal sleeping baby face color or ???”
What’s up with his mouth?
It’s open, but his lips are curling in, which is…bad? Or maybe it’s okay… It’s just like, that’s kind of a weird mouth-shape for an alive-baby, right? What do your baby’s lips look like normally? Why can’t you remember? You’re sure he’s fine, but what if he’s not fine? Make the face you normally make when you’re asleep and compare it with your baby’s current face. Similar? Whatever, he’s fine. Right?
Baby not moving? Don’t rush to conclusions—just check out his tootsies. Feet are a good way to tell if something’s alive or not, like a baby. Are those adorable cotton-socked feeties doing any of the following: wiggling? twitching? kicking? twinkling? tapping? swaying? bouncing? If the answer is no, keep watching for like, ten minutes. We know that’s a super long time to stare at your baby! Still no? Chill! Look for, I don’t know, 20 more minutes?? If the footsies don’t move at all, holy shit, call an ambulance!!! Then have the EMTs look at your baby’s feet. They’ll know if your baby’s feet are dead or not!
These are all things you can do when your baby’s all like -__- and you don’t know what to do!