Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York has announced by executive order that groups of ten or fewer people may gather anywhere in the state to talk shit about Sabrina.
“Personally, I’m glad,” says New York City resident Anna Diakos. “I understand the importance of wearing a mask and socially distancing in public spaces, but eventually some concessions needed to be made to make this period of time more livable.”
“Plus, Sabrina has been absolutely on one lately, and talking about it over Zoom just feels inorganic,” Diakos adds.
The new rule was initially intended for religious services and gatherings but was extended when the growing need for Sabrina’s friends to let it all out to one another about her wack-ass behavior became increasingly evident.
“The abstinence-only type framework of just telling us all to stay in our homes with no concrete information about what the government is doing to fix this problem is simply unsustainable,” says Oré Achebe. “I think letting us gather in small groups to talk shit about Sabrina is a positive step, but what exactly is being done to get to the root of why Sabrina has been extra bitchy lately to begin with?”
Despite some positive feedback, the order has its share of critics, as well.
“I think it’s a disastrous idea,” said another resident, Raquel Green. “But maybe it’s just impossible to fully stop people from doing what they want to do. When I suggested that people talk shit about Sabrina in a group chat, I was brushed off. When I suggested people stop talking shit about Sabrina altogether, they absolutely turned on me.”
“I guess I’m more of a tertiary friend, so maybe it wasn’t my place,” Green adds. “But it just doesn’t seem worth the risk.”
However, proponents of the rule are steadfast in their defensive position.
“I’m a human being,” says Diakos. “I need contact, I need to feel the sun on my face, and need to feel my heart racing as I get madder and madder talking about how Sabrina is so morally superior but always has iced coffee that’s clearly not homemade in her Insta stories.”
“That,” Diakos adds, “is simply my right.”