In a disturbing story out of Hartford, CT quarantined boyfriend Lucas Trask is reported to be pretending he’s totally okay despite being observed shivering and watching a Swedish-dubbed bootleg of the 1993 Superbowl.
“I’m fine,” said Lucas, visibly shaking. “This is just as good at the live thing.”
Lucas, whose health has been palpably on the decline since the coronavirus pandemic paused the airing of televised sports games, went on to lie about the state of his well-being.
“Really, I’m doing okay,” he said, sweat beading across his brow. “I can survive without watching some tall guys throw a ball around. The Patriots will still be there when quarantine is over.”
“Though I am wondering what their field presence is like without Brady. Not that I care that much,” Lucas added, thumbing frantically through Google Translate.
Lucas’s girlfriend Angela is concerned.
“He’s been pacing around the house, subtly pulling at his hair, the whole shebang,” she explained. “He put on Mighty Ducks and watched it on repeat for three days. Not even the sequels, just the original.”
“I don’t know how much more Swedish Duolingo I can tolerate,” Angela added. “This pandemic has some real psychological costs.”
But Lucas insists he’s coping.
“Sure, I guess I miss baseball season just a little,” he said. “And football, hockey, basketball, tennis, bowling, horse racing, jai alai…”
Sources confirm that Lucas passed out shortly after mentioning jai alai on ESPN 4.