Take Time Today to Paw Lazily at Your Own Crotch

small penis talk - reductress

You’re a modern woman. Chances are, you’re super busy with work, school, kids, and your intramural sports team. While us girls are busy trying to have it all, we can sometimes forget to have it (at) all—meaning a half-attempt at bringing yourself to climax.


That’s why it’s imperative to take time out of your busy lifestyle to spend with your downstairs area, your ladyparts, your laffy taffy, your ‘Ol Puss. When we reconnect with our barren icy tundra of a genital landscape, even momentarily, we reconnect with our inner sex goddess. Now that’s a goal worth half-assedly pursuing!



Ask yourself: When was the last time you gave a limp-wristed handshake to your yone-zone? A week? A month? Two months? You deserve a climax-free self-pleasure sesh that ultimately makes you feel uncomfortable and even a little self-violated.


So turn your Candy Crush notifications off, lock the door, and slip into bed (or even a sensual bubble bath (or, let’s be real, a non-bubble shower)) and cram your hand into your crotch and push around on your bits a little. You don’t have to go all out with special moves or techniques—this isn’t tai chi! Just get down there and paw around like it’s your purse and you’re looking for gum you sort of don’t even want.


And don’t forget to have fun with it! Masturbation is fun when you’re horny, and it’s half-fun when you’re not horny and haven’t been in months. Don’t focus too much on orgasm, or get caught up in actual physical enjoyment. The point is that you tried, at all, to manually stimulate yourself, which you should do because you should.



While you’re at it, don’t forget about your other erogenous zones, like your right boob, left boob, and both boobs. Give those things a good honk or two. Show your body that just because you’re all alone doesn’t mean you can’t show it a good time.


And about actually putting your fingers inside your vagina—maybe just don’t? It’s all kind of a hassle, getting in there and everything. Just hold off on that for now—we don’t want to get too crazy with this. You’re not your ninth grade boyfriend! For now, just stay above ground, maybe do a few circular motions to get the blood flowing before falling asleep for an hour-long nap—your favorite way to get yourself between the sheets. Talk about self-pleasure!