Hey guys! If you’re wondering what I’ve been up to since infamously sexting with former Congressman Anthony Weiner, I’ll let you in on a secret: I’ve been hard at work creating my personal brand! A personal brand is a business plan you create by distilling your personal strengths and weaknesses into a cocktail essence of you, which you then sacrifice on the altar of capitalism. “Brand” is just easier to say! For me, this means all sorts of sexual-indiscretion-themed products – hosting parties at strip clubs, making a “political” porno, a sexting app, et sextera! I gotta say, it’s working out amazingly.
Maybe you’re thinking I’ll regret this whole scheme once I turn 24, but I really think that one error in my judgment can and should be the defining moment for my entire life. That’s just how branding works. I’d love to key you in to some super helpful secrets for turning your outsized shame into cold, hard cash.
Let’s say you accidentally tell a room of people about an embarrassing health issue of yours, like colitis. That’s a huge mistake, right? Wrong! That’s your personal brand! There are tons of money-making opportunities to be had from these kind of awkward misfortunes. For example: you can start hosting events at public restrooms, handing out free packets of Mesalazine with your adorable face on them. Make sexy appearances at Crohns-Colitis walks! Or you can start and run a sexy Instagram account called @KileyPoopsWeird. Got a embarrassing disorder but mediocre looks?! Then leak a Crohn’s-themed porno, starring you as Inflamed Colon Girl #2. A porn leak will draw attention away form your looks and focus on what matters: the consistency of your brand image.
Branding isn’t just for sexy errors, but also senseless tragedies. Imagine you backed your Hummer over your toddler, killing him instantly. Some might say “My God, what a horrible mistake. Surely he will regret this.” Not so! This is ripe with branding potential. I would suggest founding a charity for parents of children who have been run over in horrible accidents. You can be the cheerful spokesperson. Some friends will shun you, wondering where your shame ends. Here’s the twist: it doesn’t. It can’t! Funerals and lawyers ain’t free, buddy!
There are some exceptions to the branding rule. Let’s say you were caught sending pictures of your erect penis to several young women, some of them unconsenting, while married to your pregnant wife, while representing New York State in Congress. Unfortunately, since you’re a guy, the branding opportunities might just not be there for you. You might have to do something unsexy and unrelated, like run for mayor of New York. Boring!
If you guys need me, I’ll be over here, smiling mirthlessly into a camera for an ad for a local escort service.
