So you had a bad April. That’s fine. Just change your hair! You’ll feel better, and simultaneously let everyone know that the last few weeks haven’t been so great. Here are a few new styles to show that this was a really hard spring for you:
The Over-Shagged Shag
For some, spring can be a time of sexual awakening. For others, it’s a time to fuck so much you never leave the house. Eventually, when you both emerge, like coarse summer grasses, exhausted and jobless from a difficult springtime, a haircut can be a great way to make the transition back to society. This choppy shag cut says, “I spent my spring feeding my blossoming sex addiction. I feel nothing.” Cute!
Winter was particularly frightful this year. You took Paul Walker’s death pretty hard, then you read way too many articles about climate change, and long story short, you got swept up in a cult for the first third of 2015. Your regular consumption of psychotropic tea means you don’t remember much of your day-to-day with the Keepers Of Zeen. But fortunately, you finally came back to your senses mid-department store robbery and resumed a semi-normal life. Unfortunately your hair had already been cut short with a pocketknife by the cult leader, so just go with it! Rock your spiky pixie cut and toss your cares to the wind, along with the complete void of memories of the spring that came before it.
The (I’m Worried About You) Rachel
Friends finally came to Netflix this winter, which happened to coincide with a nasty, months-long bout of mono. So you spent your sickly, contagious spring with the gang, binge-watching the series, then watching seasons in reverse, then episodes in reverse, then all of it forward again. By May, you had spent so much time at Central Perk that you insisted your stylist give you the timeless cut of your least favorite Friend. It was a really dark time for you and your real friends will hopefully understand.
The Allergist’s Choice
This was a particularly hard spring for your overactive immune system. Sudden warm spells made the air thick with pollen, your downstairs neighbor started breeding minks, and that expensive new vibrator brought a latent nickel allergy to a head. You went to the allergist so many times that she lasered off all the hair on your body in an attempt to stop the constant rashes. It’ll grow back eventually, but in the meantime, enjoy the sun beating down on your head all summer. Unless you’re allergic to sun. Jeez, who would have thought this season would have been so hard on you. Maybe get a hat?
Remember when that rabid raccoon mauled you and yanked out a large portion of your hair near that cabin in Vermont? You sure don’t, thanks to your shock-induced amnesia. Boy, that was a tough time for you and your family. Your only remaining souvenir from the attack is a patchy scalp and a huge wad of cash from the ski resort settlement. So take some of that money and bring it to the nearest upscale salon, where they can give you a trendy side-shave that will almost make your hair choices seem intentional… almost.
Flaunt your crappy March with a cute new ‘do!