How to Spice Up Your Sex Life Even Though You’ve Been Dead for 30 Years

So things in the bedroom have been a little off lately, and it’s not just because you both died back in 1985. It’s been ages since you’ve had the desire to jump his bones. But that doesn’t mean all is lost! Follow these simple tips to add much-needed excitement to your sex life beyond the grave.


Don’t Just Lie Flat on Your Back

Just because you’re a dead woman doesn’t mean you can lie back and let the man do all the work! Change it up by moving for the first time since your heart stopped beating. Often you’ll find that by experimenting to see what you both like, you’ll end up discovering exotic positions that give you both intense pleasure. If you’re worried about awkwardness as you see what works and what doesn’t, don’t worry—you’re both bound to have an embarrassing worm-in-the-eye, trapped-gas-escaping moment! These intimate moments can bring you closer together, no matter how dead you are.



Role-play (That You’re Both Living Again)

As a member of the deceased, you’re probably wondering where all that passion went, and why you can’t reciprocate the burning desire you see living beings possess. By role-playing as a sexy cop out for justice, or a naughty maid getting caught sweeping dust under the rug, or just that you and your man aren’t rotting away in a cemetery, you may be able to find that spark you’ve been missing for too long.


Surprise Him by Initiating Sex

Nothing is sexier to a man than a woman who’s not afraid to take control in the bedroom, especially a man who’s a cadaver never expecting to interact with others for the rest of eternity. Of course he hasn’t realized that the dead are capable of rising at night—he never even noticed when you got haircuts! Men, right? Go ahead and crawl through that wall of dirt and take him by the partially decomposed lapels. When you’re confident and bold sexually, he will feel as wanted and loved as he did when he was lying on his deathbed.



Rise From Your Grave and Go to a Strip Club Together

Oh yeah, we went there!! You may never have pictured yourself going a strip club in this life or the next, but be adventurous! By rising out of your grave and going to a strip club, you may have fun watching him get excited while watching living, breathing women gyrate on poles, and you may get a thrill yourself from seeing all the girls flee in terror from your cloth-covered bones. If you’re secure enough with yourself and your man, going to a strip club may be just the thing to amp up your sex life, and get humankind thinking it’s the end of the world.


By learning to experiment and let loose with your sexual escapades, you’ll have even more fun than when you were living. Enjoy!