Study Finds No Acceptable Place to Clip Toenails

In a groundbreaking new study out of the University of Michigan, researchers have found that there is absolutely no acceptable place to clip your toenails.


“Just based on the unpredictability and high velocity of toenail clippings, there’s nowhere good to do the deed,” said Lead Researcher Naomi Chung. “Your bedroom? No, they’ll just get lost in the rug, or inexplicably end up in your bed, even though you didn’t even clip them near your bed. Your living room? Absolutely not. That’s just begging them to make their way into your kitchen, even though you swore you swept all of them up. Your bathroom? Well, that’s where things get a little dicey.”


Researchers said they initially found the bathroom to be the most plausible location to clip your toenails, but were soon turned away from the idea.


“There’s just so much that can go wrong in the bathroom,” Dr. Chung reported. “Only a trained contortionist would feel comfortable clipping their toenails in there.”


While the toilet seemed like a promising option at the beginning of the trial, upon further investigation, researchers found this to be one of the most emotionally-degrading places to clip your toenails.


“What? You’re just going to put your foot on the rim of the toilet bowl?” Dr. Chung asked reporters. “That’s gross. You’re gross. If you’re not gross, you’re left with the frankly nonviable option of hovering your foot over the bowl, or attempting to balance it on your leg while you clip. It’s pretty much impossible.”



When researchers were asked what the conclusion of the study suggested the best place to clip your toenails was, they were still pretty vague.


“I guess just do it near a trash can and hope for the best. Or just let them grow really long and start calling yourself a werewolf in a joking way that your friends find really weird. Those are really your only two options.”