Mushrooms have a variety of helpful uses: They can help you to balance your gut, trip out, or make a delicious pasta. However, it can be earth-shattering when you’re expecting to use them one way when they’re really for another – like how you thought your so-called “friend” Kyra Holton was offering you psilocybin mushrooms when she was really talking about the adaptogenic ones.
What the fuck?
According to reports, Kyra thought you would actually enjoy consuming mushrooms that don’t make everything around you look crazy and cool.
“Adaptogens are all the rage right now,” she said. “There’s a lot of scientific evidence about how great they are for your digestion, concentration, and overall mood. The coffee was a bit pricey, but I’m happy to share it with such a great friend!”
What a bitch!
Sources confirm that you only went to hang in the park because Kyra texted you that she had some new mushrooms she wanted to try.
“She seemed really happy when she left the house,” your roommate, Gabrielle Brown, told reporters. “Right before she skipped out the door, she told me ‘Hey, I’m gonna be having the time of my life today, so I might not see your texts until later, just FYI!’ Then she left and started humming a little tune.”
Witnesses report that you found it difficult to hide your disappointment when Kyra revealed the truth about her boring, healthy mushrooms.
“They looked like they were having an amazing time before one of them brought out some cans of coffee,” dog walker Ula Gordon told reporters. “Then, the one on the left looked really distant all of a sudden. It kinda seemed like she wished she was doing something else, like psychedelic drugs.”
Wow, spot on!
Reporters also caught up with you after the confusing, harrowing event.
“I drank the coffee to be nice, but I’ll never forget the major let down that happened this afternoon,” you said on your way back home. “But I have no one to blame except myself. Next time I’m going to ask exactly what kind of mushrooms my friends have before I ride the train for 45 minutes to meet them. I guess I didn’t need psychedelics to learn a huge, life-altering lesson today.”