A new study conducted by the National Weather Service has found evidence that the high tornado frequency area in the U.S. known as “Tornado Alley” is shifting eastwards, with researchers reporting the cause to be the alley’s powerful desire to pursue a career in the arts.
“It’s a worrisome new trend,” the lead researcher on the study, Amy Wallace, told reporters. “Previously, it was suspected that climate change was the sole factor causing this eastward movement, and that environmental measures could be taken to slow the shift. However, after discovering it was due primarily to a previously latent desire to pursue a career in musical theater, my team and I are worried that this shift will be inevitable, at least until it learns how hard it really is to make it in show business.”
The study described Tornado Alley as an “unstoppable force of nature” to which Tornado Alley responded, “Wait until you see my one woman show in Brooklyn.”
Residents in eastern states are more than worried: they’re terrified.
“I know New York is the end goal for Tornado Alley, but it’s probably going to make a pit stop here first to test out some of its more experimental stuff,” said Pennsylvania resident Vic Truman. “We don’t need any other aspiring thespians clogging up our local black box theater, let alone one that has the potential to rip the roof off the place, and not in a good way.”
The National Weather Service has warned residents to get underground if Tornado Alley occupies their town, as it has a nasty penchant for singing old show tunes at run-down dive bars so loud that not even the tornado sirens can drown it out. Their emergency notice read, “If you hear the first few notes of ‘Oklahoma!’ for the love of god, get in your bunker and stay there.”
Researchers also presented several additional reasons for Tornado Alley’s move east which, outside of its borderline embarrassing desire to be famous and the damaging implications of climate change, includes the opportunity to ravage cooler people, finding a better club scene to demolish, and wanting to finally get out of its hometown and spread its funnels.
By press time, Tornado Alley had hit the East Coast, failed to hack it as an actor, and had headed back west, saying, “Maybe I’ll have better luck in L.A.”
