In a baffling story out of Manhattan, NY, 28-year-old Ethan Marino recently invested in a significant number of self improvement books, yet only seems to be getting worse.
“He used to be good, kind, and smart,” Ethan’s mom, Deb, told reporters. “But then he developed an interest in self-improvement, and ever since then he’s become bad, mean, and dumb.”
Sources say that a budding interest in investing is what kicked off Ethan’s literary self-help journey, of course.
“The first self-help book he read was Million Dollar Habits, and that’s when I really started to see a change in his behavior,” said Ethan’s roommate, Arya. “Either he’s doing the book wrong, or the main habit of millionaires is being insufferable. Actually, he’s probably doing the book right.”
However, an interest in “growing his portfolio” – as Ethan puts it – quickly turned into him trying to functionally change every aspect of himself.
“I knew things were going to go downhill when I saw him reading How to Win Friends and Influence People,” Arya said. “He might as well have been reading How to Be So Off-Putting You Alienate Everyone You’ve Ever Loved.”
Those who have recently gone on dates with Ethan have agreed that he is less than pleasant to be around.
“He told me that he’s dedicated himself to becoming more socially appealing,” said Katelyn, who grabbed coffee with Ethan last week. “Apparently, he’s reading The Art of Witty Banter: How to Be Clever, Quick, and Magnetic, but I’ve never struggled to make conversation with someone more. I asked him how his weekend was and he was just like, ‘Weekend? You mean gym-ness hours?’ I’m not sure if that was supposed to be witty, clever, or magnetic, but it definitely didn’t hit its mark.”
Another one of Ethan’s dates, Lauren, agreed, saying, “In which chapter of The Mountain Is You: Transforming Self-Sabotage Into Self-Mastery do they teach you to not be the worst person alive? Because that cannot come soon enough.”
She added, “He’s only on chapter two of The Courage to Be Disliked but I think he’s pretty much perfected it. The Courage to Be Tolerated might be a good one to read next.”
As of press time, Ethan had taken the hint and donated all his self-help books, saying he gets way better advice from TikToks of guys talking to each other on podcasts anyway.
