In breaking news coming out of Miami, FL, 24-year-old Alana Broward was completely caught off guard when a self-defense class abruptly took $200 out of her purse.
“I was just minding my own business,” Alana told reporters, “When all of a sudden a website that I looked up for a self-defense class that I signed up for stole $200 from me.”
“Now I know what to do if an assailant tries to mug me, but only while he’s standing perfectly still,” Alana adds. “But that’s never actually happened to me, and even if it did, I certainly wouldn’t have $200 cash in my wallet, so it would be less damaging than this.”
According to witnesses, Alana was robbed in broad daylight when she exited the class without learning anything useful for her own self-defense.
“I know that women are much more at risk of violence in domestic situation than in public, but I at least thought this would make feel a little more confident out in the world,” Alana said. “Instead they just told me to carry pepper spray. I’ve been robbed.”
We were also able to interview the perpetrator of the crime, Head Trainer Lionel Perkins, who maintains his perspective that he was innocent in the situation.
“Yes, the class is $200,” Lionel told us. “And they give women the cathartic experience of getting to wail on a non-reactive man in layers of protective padding. Even if you think our classes aren’t useful, that’s still not robbery. Sorry!”
However, Alana is still not buying it.
“Not only was $200 stolen from me,” Alana told us. “But now I have to buy pepper spray, a taser, and a self-defense keychain weapon because I still don’t know how to defend myself. Does that not sound like highway robbery to you?”
At press time, Alana is happy with her purchases of self-defense weapons and tools, because at least they do exactly what she paid them to do, unlike the class that not only stole from her, but left her vulnerable to other people who want to steal from her, too.
