There’s nothing worse than forced office holiday gift giving, but try telling Allie that. Allie “loves the holidays”! Allie “thinks gift-giving is great for office morale”! Allie is “an adorable size 2 with perky C-cups and shiny hair who’s never been alone on Christmas!” Well, Allie’s gonna regret ever organizing this Secret Santa thing, because you drew her in the Secret Santa lottery, and you’re fueled by a lifetime of bitterness. Here are the gifts (each under $10!) that you’ll be giving her throughout December in an attempt to wipe that cute little smile off her perfectly symmetrical, never-been-dumped face:
A Garbage Bag Full of Half-burned Yankee Candles
Who ever uses up an entire Yankee candle? Not you. Send the clear message to this cheery fucking cherub that you are planning on 100% phoning in this bullshit Secret Santa situation by choosing a full garbage bag of already-burned candles sitting around your apartment. Pick ones that melted super unevenly or one that’s really old so it has a nice visible layer of dust over the top of it. Merry Fucking Christmas, you chipper little twat! Life will come for you in a big way once your metabolism hits the shitter!
A Single Ticket to The Peanuts Movie
Based on all those cloyingly adorable pictures of her with her incredibly well adjusted and handsome boyfriend, you’re guessing Allie doesn’t spend a lot of nights alone. So give her the gift of solitude with a single ticket to a movie no other adult would want to see with her. Let her know the shame of finishing an entire large tub of popcorn all by one’s lonesome and having no one to whisper to or hold hands with. Two hours alone in the darkness isn’t going to kill you, Allie. Embrace it. Embrace the darkness like the rest of us. ‘Tis the season!
A Bag of Worry Dolls
According to Guatemalan folklore, you can put these tiny Mexican handicraft dolls under your pillow to take your worries away while you sleep. And while you can’t imagine Allie has many worries, what with her happy and intact nuclear family that takes ski trips to Vail every winter and her perfectly-shaped nail beds, you can personalize your gift by having a worry doll custom-made to look unsettlingly like Allie herself. Is it a message? A joke? A threat? If Allie didn’t have something to worry about before, she will now. ¡Feliz Navidad!
Homemade Granola With Extra Tree Nuts
Making granola is easy and fun and it’s something everyone loves. Unless they’re allergic to nuts, which you might have overheard Allie saying she was once. No problem! Just grind those nuts up really small so they don’t hurt her. Throw everything in a mason jar and tie a red bow around the lid. Happy eating, Allie! From now on, the office will be doing Christmas your way—alone and grieving.
Whatever the gift, remember the true spirit of Secret Santa giving: passive-aggressively punishing people you secretly resent. Happy Holidays!
