The beloved seasonal celebration, SantaCon, is kicking off this Saturday in a city near you! It’s the best bar crawl between Halloween and St. Patty’s Day, and all your friends are going. But wait—what if you’re a woman looking to attract exclusively Jewish men? We’ve got you covered. Here are some SantaCon Outfits that will attract chosen people only and make Grandma proud.
JSwipe Logo Temporary Tattoo (Free where available)
You just got off the train and followed a trail of vomit to the first stop on Santa’s journey, but the bar looks more like a missionary group than a Birthright trip. Eek! How will you find the Semite in this haystack? Never fear: Simply affix this free promotional tattoo to your cheek with the side of a sweaty Miller Lite bottle and voilà! You’re already being asked if you interned at URJ in 2006. Nailed it!
Star of David Necklace (Kay Jewelers, $86.05)
No matter what you’re wearing, this Star of David necklace is the perfect indication that you’re looking for a Hebrew king! You may be wearing a sexy Santa outfit, but this little charm will let eligible Jewish bachelors know that you can read from the torah even when you’ve blacked out. Watch and learn, shiksas!
Adult Santa’s Helper Costume (Walmart, $59.99)
Elves are slaves to Santa, just like the Jews were back in the day to the Egyptians. While this may not seem like an obvious connection to the casual gentile bystander, the Jewish men waiting behind you in line for the bathroom at McSorley’s will get it, hopefully. Trust us: If he’s chosen, he’ll choose you!
Rachal Allan Red Party Dress (NewYorkDress.com, $318.00)
If you were lucky enough to have worn a red or green dress at your bat mitzvah, you’ve got to pull it out of storage. Wiggle your way into your dress; it’s sure to be tight and revealing enough for you to blend in with the SantaCon crowd! Jewish guys will recognize it as a bat mitzvah dress for sure once you start reciting your haftarah on the bar at 13th Step. Show off the outfit you wore when you became a WOMAN!
Pewter Kiddush Cup (TraditionsJewishGifts.com, $79.95)
A big part of SantaCon is drinking. And a great way to attract Jewish guys is to drink Manischewitz in your very own kiddush cup. You can get drunk on this crucial part of an ancient Jewish tradition while simultaneously winning a candy-cane-sucking contest. Don’t forget to talk about how guilty you feel all the time and how overbearing your mother is! You’ll have a “bae mitzvah” in no time.
Jacted Up Tees Happy Hanukkah Ugly Sweater Design CREW Sweatshirt (Amazon, $17.99-$19.99)
If you want to be really blunt about your religious beliefs, go for this sweater. Wear it while yelling drunkenly about how a one-state solution for Israel and Palestine is “an unlikely dream, but it’s one worth dreaming”. Get ready to have some progressive discourse with a man named Seth!
St. Nicholas Square Iron Menorah Candle Holder (Kohls, $15.75)
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise: You can bring your menorah to SantaCon! Remove the candles and use the candle holders as tiny shot glasses. Take eight shots, one for each night of Hanukkah. Or you can tape a menorah to each of your hands and drink out of them all night—you just invented Edward Menorahands! This will hopefully attract someone who shares your desire to keep a Jewish home.
Star Wars “It Awakens” Graphic T-Shirt (Macy’s, $12.99)
This may sound a bit outlandish, but wearing a Star Wars t-shirt to SantaCon is a great way to attract Jewish men. When a guy comes up to you and asks why you are wearing that shirt, you can say, “Oh, no reason—I’m just so excited to see Star Wars on Christmas Day while eating Chinese food.” He’s yours forever; the bait worked!
Women’s Elegant V-Neck Leopard Print Belted Tunic Dress (Amazon, $21.99)
All Jewish men love the popular TV show, “The Nanny.” Fran Drescher was their dream woman: She was fun, flirty, and she appreciated Christmas but was still a Jew deep down! Just like you. Wear this holiday leopard print dress and compliment his sheyna punim before asking if he wants to split an Uber back to Penn Station. L’chaim!
While you’ll probably get kicked off the train before you can make it back to your place, any of these totally kosher outfits guarantee that you’ll at least get in a good train bathroom makeout with a bona fide Jew next to an ad for the Rockettes. Happy holidays!