It’s Secret Santa time, which is the perfect opportunity to make sure you get that promotion you’ve been waiting for! Don’t let the $10 limit hold you back from blackmailing your most influential coworkers – these easy, affordable gifts are a cost-effective way to say, “I’m your secret Santa, and I definitely know your secret.”
A Framed Photo of Her and the Man Who is Not Her Husband – Everybody loves a nice framed couples photo, and nothing is classier than a black-and-white surveillance photo of Kim from Sales with the man who is not her husband? Make sure to find one that is nice and clear, that shows both of their faces, and preferably any identifying birthmarks, to send the message you’re ready to take her down if she doesn’t get out of your way.
Used Women’s Stockings – So you drew your boss this year? It’s time to really seal the deal on that promotion with a pair of used women’s stockings. You know how much he loves to smell them and then put them on his face and walk around the office naked at night, because you’re always working late and it’s about time that somebody noticed. You haven’t been sleeping under your desk for nothing. That promotion is yours.
A Single Earring – Everyone loves to get back something they’ve lost. Remember last month when you found that earring on your boss’ office floor? And remember how shortly afterward you noticed that your Secret Santee was missing one of hers? Be her personal St. Anthony this holiday season by returning that lost earring you found. Why not go ahead and wrap it up in that condom wrapper you found in your boss’ trashcan while you’re at it? Your message couldn’t be clearer if you spelled it out in semen.
Unique Gifts for their Secret Family – Raising a family is hard. Raising two families is doubly hard, especially if you have to keep one of them a secret. You know his secret wife loves fancy bath salts, and their secret son is really into Ninja Turtles. All that his secret daughter wants is for “Daddy to sleep at our house,” but there’s not really anything you can do about that one. Let him know that you know with a basket of treats for the whole secret family!
An Advent Calendar – Everyone knows that the best part of the holiday season is the anticipation. Help your Secret Santee countdown to Christmas, and to their ultimate demise, with a secret message advent calendar! Hide a single letter of the phrase I KNO SCRT. PRMTN IS MYN. MRY XMS behind each window, so that as they draw nearer to the 25th, they really start to feel the chill of the season, and the paranoia that someone they know knows exactly what they did last August behind the parking garage. Behind the final window you can place a tiny photo of yourself as Santa Claus, you know, just to be cute.
A Scented Candle and a Stack of Xeroxed Bank Statements – Burning a scented candle can ease stress, which is something your Secret Santee is really going to need once he sees the stack of Xeroxed bank statements included in your gift. He thought he was being sly about his embezzling scheme, but he really should have burned those bank statements (perhaps in a lovely Cranberry Bliss© candle from Bath and Body Works?). Now you have the originals, and all he has is a stack of copies, a scented candle, and his thoughts.
Someone call UPS and tell them to change their uniforms, because this year the mail is coming in black! However you choose to say it, show your Secret Santee you care about that thing they did that can never be undone. Promotion: Granted!
