Wedding Gifts that Say, ‘I Don’t Want to be Here’

It’s that time of the year again—wedding season! Whether it’s the nuptials of your cousin Tiffani or a high school friend who somehow found your address, sometimes you just don’t want to partake in the “joyful” day. But don’t worry! You can put on a happy face and have your gift say what you really want to say with these ideas:


NOW! That’s What I Call Music! 34” Compact Disc

This CD has lots of songs that we all wished were forgotten about and definitely don’t want to hear again. With such hits as Ke$ha’s “Your Love Is My Drug”, this gift is sure to make an impression—the impression that you’d rather be anywhere than at this wedding.”


Anything in Target’s 99-cent Section

Sure, they registered at Target, but because you waited until the last minute, everything was already purchased. Oopsies! We guess that means it’s okay if you bring anything from Target, since they apparently love Target so much. From the Hello Kitty writing pad to seasonal socks to some bouncy balls, these choking hazards will make a real statement about how much you had to pay for a flight to attend this stupid wedding that shouldn’t even be happening in the first place.


George Forman Grill (Used)

This present is perfect for the health-conscious couple that you wish you weren’t seeing right now. Look for this gift in a neighbor’s garage, a yard sale, or your local Goodwill. The beta version didn’t even properly get rid of fat—which is just as lame as this whole affair!


Weird Homemade Pottery

Everyone has that piece of pottery that’s been lying around in childhood. You were going to throw it away anyway, right? This gift should teach the couple not to invite you to anything ever again. Bonus points for ashtrays—they don’t even smoke!



Day-old Bread

Who doesn’t love a loaf of bread from a fancy bakery? Make this seemingly thoughtful gift more unpleasant by buying day-old bread and REALLY getting your point across. You weren’t coming to this wedding with a full-price bread gift, that’s for sure!


Tiny Bottles of Shampoo from the Motel You’re Staying in

This gift will certainly say, “You didn’t have to invite me to this wedding! No seriously, you shouldn’t have invited me, because I don’t know how to say no to people and I don’t want to be here.”


Homemade “Good for two Hugs” Coupon

You just didn’t get around to buying anything until the day of the wedding. Feel free to make this during the actual ceremony! The bride is definitely going to need a hug once she’s married to that part-time yoga teacher.


Some Flowers You Just Picked that Might Actually be Weeds?

A sad bouquet of flowers that might be weeds is a perfect gift for the couple that had the audacity to invite you to their wedding. Like weeds, their presence in your life is happenstance and unwanted.


With gift-giving, it’s always the thought that counts. With these gifts, the thought that will be counted is, “I don’t want to be here.” Now go hit the dance floor, girl, and search for those wedding hotties that probably aren’t there, cause this wedding suuuuucks!