Todd’s been distant since last year’s broom closet hookup after the office Secret Santa exchange. This year, remind him that HR does not enforce the ban on interoffice relationships because Cindy and Tyler seem to make it work, and you’re definitely still available. Place some mistletoe in these choice locations, and you will have Todd back in your embrace and remembering to store your number in his phone in no time:
Above His Cubicle
Todd can’t continue to ignore you when the kissing signal of the season is stationed directly over his desk. When you ask him about his weekend plans and he says, “I can’t chat, I’m under a tight deadline,” You just point up and say, “That’s not the only thing you’re under.” Then jam your tongue in his mouth and rub his molars until he remembers that you are a tasty treat regardless of whether or not it’s a company sponsored, non-denominational holiday celebration.
In the Staff Meeting
Nothing says, “Let’s revisit last year’s holiday hookup,” like strategically placed mistletoe in the conference room. When Todd stands up to give the weekly accounting report, raise your hand as if you have a question. When he calls on you, reveal that you are holding mistletoe over your head and plant a big smack-a-roo on his mouth. He’ll for sure notice that you’ve improved your technique since last year and your coworkers will have something to talk about other than Cindy and Tyler’s constant hand-holding in the break room.
Over the Water Cooler
While Todd is filling his Nalgene bottle, surprise him with a sprig of mistletoe. Give him the hydration he craves by sharing your mouth moisture via a sloppy Frenchie on his lips. He’ll be so thankful of your forwardness that he’ll ask you out for a real drink that isn’t a lunch to talk about how you two shouldn’t tell anyone in the office what happened last year.
Under Your Butt as You Sit on The Copier
There is no sexier place at work than the copy room. Rev up his juices by sitting on a piece of mistletoe as you photocopy your butt. The image will be all that he needs to remember he doesn’t need to be drunk on year-end sales figures and peppermint schnapps to let you into his pants.
On the HR Representative
You watched Cindy and Tyler march hand-in-hand into the HR office to make official their office romance. So let Todd know that you are ready make your one-time holiday party tryst into a relationship by hanging mistletoe around the neck of Hillary the HR Manager. When Todd stops by HR to fill out his health insurance forms, you just say, “Don’t forget that I’m a preexisting condition,” and use your tongue to pry open his clenched teeth.
In His Coffee
Mistletoe is poisonous. So get back on his radar while he’s suddenly doubled over with stomach cramping. Don’t forget to heroically call poison control. As soon as he loses consciousness, layer on the lip gloss to perform the sexiest CPR of his life. When he comes to, remind him of the life debt he now has to you, so you might as well get engaged now.
With these traps, you’ll be sure to secure year-round Todd action, instead of him simply seeing you as the closest thing with boobs at the office holiday party.