Schools Reopen Just in Time for Part of the Year No One Cares About

As part of President Biden’s plan for his first 100 days in office, most public schools are ramping up to reopen around the end of March – just in time for the part of the year that basically doesn’t count.


Teachers, in particular, are perplexed but also kind of whatever about this decision.


“I was so confused to hear we’d be in-person starting in April,” said Brandy Peters, a science teacher in Memphis, Tennessee. “April is when we usually have statewide testing as the only thing that matters and then I just kind of coast on Bill Nye videos and random worksheets for the rest of the year. That would’ve been super easy to do from home.”


Students are similarly confused by the decision to attend school when nothing really matters anymore.


“I dunno, usually April and May is when we do field day and do the big orchestra trip to Hershey Park,” sixth-grader Summer Thompson reported. “But I’m glad we at least get to do all the fun stuff together.”


The confusion doesn’t stop there. Even first graders are confused by the thought of attending school again, often asking, “There’s an in-person school?”



Studies have shown that the months of March to May are by far the least productive months for anyone under the age of 18 due to complete cessation of caring across the board.


We reached out to high school seniors to comment, but they were all absent for the day.