In a story of perseverance against all odds, 26-year-old Allysia Porter found retail therapy to be ineffective in treating her depression, so now she’s turning to the next best thing: retail ketamine therapy.
You go, girl! Take matters into your own hands with recreational drugs!
“Online shopping used to get me through my periodic bouts of depression, but it just hasn’t been hitting recently,” she told reporters gathered in her living room at 3pm as she prepared to take a legal “fuck ton” of ket. “I figured it was time to adjust my methods. After all, mental health is extremely important!”
As far as what “retail ketamine therapy” is, Allysia confirms she bought a bunch of ketamine and plans to take that shit all at once. It’s her intention to put herself in a “K-hole,” a state wherein she’s taken so much ketamine she goes completely silent and just vibes for a little bit.
“I’ve heard ketamine therapy is a really effective treatment for depression when supervised by a medical professional,” she continued. “So I figured it could be equally as effective when supervised by no one at all!”
While medical professionals decidedly did not recommend this method, they did have to technically agree that it could be called “ketamine therapy.”
Sounds like a vote of confidence from the pros!
“We at the National Medical Board want to say unequivocally that we don’t recommend what this woman is doing and find it not only dangerous but also blatantly illegal,” said NMB representative Katherine Durne. “That being said, as an individual, I’m impressed.”
According to sources close to Allysia, her unconventional methods have been working “honestly so well.”
“I noticed that seasonal depression had been hitting Allyssia hard this year,” said her roommate, Ty Reemer. “And when I stopped seeing packages roll in, I figured things might be worse than I thought. But I came home yesterday to find her zonked out of her mind on the couch, and I knew things were going to be just fine.”
As of press time, Allysia had finished her first full round of retail ketamine therapy and was already seeing great results.
“Sure, I slept for 19 straight hours every time,” she said. “But at least I wasn’t sad!”
Enjoy your newly balanced brain chemicals, queen! Probably a good idea to stop now.
