In a developing story out of your apartment, early reports are indicating that you’re never going to watch that really sad movie you haven’t seen yet, no matter how many times you tell yourself you will.
“I know that Precious came out more than ten years ago,” you told reporters while selecting Survivor on Netflix again. “And that’s why I fully intend to watch it — I just need to be in the right mood first.”
However, researchers note that “when you’re in the right mood” is actually a time that will never, ever come.
“If she hasn’t watched it yet, there’s a 99.8% chance that she never will,” film-watching statistician Dr. Joelle Newman told reporters. “People don’t often decide to watch a really sad movie out of the blue, and the only exception to this is when they need a really good cry.”
According to reports, you haven’t needed a good cry since 2013, so it may be quite a while until you need another one.
Although you have pledged to watch movies like My Girl, Waves, Requiem for a Dream, Beasts of the Southern Wild, and countless other depressing movies for years now, surprisingly, none of these titles have been recorded on your Letterboxd yet.
“I would have watched all of those movies sooner, but people kept telling me they’re so sad that you can only watch them once,” you said. “So, am I really wrong for putting them off for so long?”
Experts state that you are indeed wrong for that, but the guilt of this obviously isn’t enough to make you sit down and watch all of the many tearjerker movies you have yet to give the time of day.
“I’ve tried to watch Beasts of the Southern Wild three separate times,” you added. “But the beginning was so sad that I was afraid to watch the rest. I still tried, though!”
Unfortunately, watching the film in its entirety is the only way you can legitimately claim that you saw it, so you should probably just stop saying this altogether.
“Just be honest with yourself,” Dr. Newman said. “Either watch it or don’t, but don’t do the whole song and dance like you plan on seeing it someday, because you’re not fooling anybody.”
At press time, you told someone that you really want to see Dead Poets Society even though it’s been on your watchlist for over a decade.
