Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt signed a bill into law on Tuesday that jails women who simply don’t seem like the mothering type.
The new law immediately went into effect after it was signed, with some members of the Oklahoma state government being instantly apprehended for “having powerful jobs” and “wearing suits.”
“Stripping away abortion rights wasn’t enough,” Stitt told reporters. “We needed to find another, more expansive way to disenfranchise women we feel threatened by. Which is why we landed on arresting anyone who doesn’t give off ‘mom’ vibes.”
The law has brought with it some expected controversy, including how law enforcement officials plan to implement such a vague policy.
“We’ve been given a broad list of indicators to look out for,” said local Chief of Police Don Royal. “Beyond apprehending anyone who self-identifies as not having children, we’re to be on the lookout for anyone who isn’t smiling warmly, who doesn’t know what Bluey is, and anyone who’s wearing mom jeans.”
He continued, “I know that last one seems counter-intuitive, but we’re pretty much just throwing everything at the wall at this point and seeing what sticks. And if some actual moms get wrongly apprehended in the process, well then that’s on them for not coming across motherly enough.”
In addition to the new law, government officials have stated there will be a fine for the following actions: not owning a bassinet, day drinking on Saturdays, having a baby cry after looking at them in the supermarket, and simply existing in a public space without a child.
In light of this new policy, Oklahoma state activists have advised women to keep a child on them at all times.
“It doesn’t even have to be your own child,” said Kacey Moreno, a local activist. “Borrow your sister’s for the day, or at the very least, walk around with your cat in a stroller. Anything to keep the police off your back.”
By Saturday afternoon, police had dropped all pretenses and were arresting anyone who was enjoying the sunshine anywhere that wasn’t a youth soccer game.
“I was just at the park with my friends having a little picnic when all of a sudden I found myself in handcuffs,” said local resident, Angie Parker. “When I asked what made them think I didn’t have kids, they said that all moms would be at a U-8 soccer tournament right now. I guess they think that all moms have kids that are exactly eight years old or something? It’s a pretty flawed system.”
At press time, most Oklahoman women were awaiting trial, which was already damning, because the law specifically said that moms don’t go to trial.
