Report: Planes Are So Scary

In a new report from the American Psychological Institute, scientists have come to the conclusion that planes are so fucking scary.


“The results are in: Planes are very scary and anytime you get on one you are correct in being scared,” says lead researcher Dr. Daria Gallamante. “It has taken an unbelievable amount of research to come to this conclusion, but we’re glad the numbers back up what we’ve all been thinking this whole time, which is usually: Help me, I am scared.”


While the researchers did hypothesize a similar conclusion, they didn’t understand how fearful people should really be when getting on one.


“We initially thought that planes were simply scary,” Dr. Gallamante. “But after studying the design of planes, the various environments they could encounter as well as the safety precautions set up in the event of a mechanical failure, we were able to find that planes aren’t just scary­­ – they are so, so, so, scary. Like shit-your-pants scary.”


When asked what she meant, another researcher on her team responded.


“You’re in a tin box in the sky,” says researcher Pilar Helmen. “You’re thousands of feet in the air. You’re going over 500 miles per hour. You have, what, like one tank of fuel? I actually can’t continue to think about this on account of planes being the scariest shit ever.”


Dr. Gallamante clarifies that despite these findings, she doesn’t expect travel to happen less.


“It is so, pardon my language, fucking crazy we get into these contraptions in the first place,” says Dr. Gallamante. “But I don’t see things changing for regular travelers with this new information. The truth is people fly from coast to coast all the time, and they’re not going to stop now.”


“I recommend people do whatever they can to feel better,” says Dr. Gallamante. “Pringles, soda, magazine, trash books, gummies. Buy the Dr. Dre headphones in the technology vending machine. Why not? It might be the last purchase you ever make.”


When asked for the reason why planes are this fucking scary, she responded:


“How are you not getting this? Planes are so so so so so so scary oh my godddddddd what the fuckk ughhhhh!!!!”