REPORT: No Amount of Decorative Pillows Will Make You Feel Whole Again

A new report out of the University of Wisconsin has determined that you can go ahead and put down that embroidered throw pillow at TJMaxx – no number of decorative pillows will ever fill that gaping void inside of you.


The study surveyed 500 households with a cumulative 75,000 throw pillows, and showed that, yeah, you can buy that fuzzy decorative pillow that looks like an animated croissant, but it’s only going to bring you temporary relief and it won’t have the same long-term mental health benefits as starting therapy.


“The happiness you feel after buying various accent pillows is just a temporary boost,” says Head Researcher Dr. Maura Faulken. “Even though it might feel good in the moment, the yawning chasm inside of you is so dark and gaping that it just gobbles those plushies up and demands, ‘More, more, more!’”


If you’re too deep into your pillow-centric coping mechanism to even begin reconsidering your spending habits, Dr. Faulken adds that while throw pillows themselves might not be the anecdote, all hope is not lost.


“There might be ways to utilize throw pillows to start to feel whole again,” she says. “Invite a friend to go pillow shopping with you, use your copious amount of throw pillows to build a big pillow fort, or only buy pillows big enough to snuggle during the night and pretend it’s a real person. These are all semi-healthy ways to get your decorative pillow fix while simultaneously beginning the journey to stitch up that ginormous, metaphorical hole inside your chest.”


Dr. Faulken’s findings come as welcome news to many people who felt downcast upon hearing the report’s original findings.


“I’m glad I don’t have to give up buying decorative pillows cold turkey,” 32-year-old Jillian Pollard told reporters. “I mean, I probably was just going to buy one more and then move onto better forms of self-healing anyways, but it’s good to know that I don’t have to feel too bad about buying this $1,100 Gucci Embroidered Cushion, as long as I invite a friend along to witness my impulsive spending in action.”



At press time, Jillian had actually purchased three more throw pillows, but assured researchers that she was going to use them to nurture her inner child by building that big pillow fort, just like they said. 


“I guess it’s less a fort, and more just a cumulation of every throw pillow I’ve ever purchased, but regardless – I’m feeling better than ever! Just one or two more pillows should do the trick!”