Report: More Fuckboys Than We Could Have Ever Imagined

In a recent study out of Harvard University, sociologists have confirmed that their hypothesis was correct: there are more fuckboys out there than anyone could have ever imagined.


“We always knew there were fuckboys, but our findings absolutely shocked us,” says Dr. Greta Kent, the lead researcher. “We thought the number was in the thousands, but that was a gross underestimate. We were absolutely unprepared for what the data showed us: there are millions of them. Where you least expect them. Beware.”


Over the course of seven years, researchers collected data nationwide traveling to both remote counties and populated cities in order to discover not only how many fuckboys truly walk among us, but also to determine geographical patterns of fuckboy population density. The study concluded that fuckboys definitively tend to gravitate towards wherever you’re standing right now.


“There is a slight trend in our data that suggests there are less fuckboys in the midwest,” says Dr. Kent. “But then in doing a more extensive survey we learned that the midwest fuckboys are worse than the coastal ones, so even though there are less, the damage done is comparable.”


Even though the data confirmed that there are indeed men out there who aren’t manipulative douchebags, the team of researchers concluded that the likelihood of you meeting one of them is comparable to you winning the lottery, except even less likely.



“Rest assured there are good men out there who won’t lead you on then let you down,” says Kelly Schuker, an in-field researcher. “However, they are few and far between, so your best bet is to avoid men altogether.


“The probability of you meeting a well-intentioned man is less than getting struck by lightning four times, and we can now confirm that as fact,” adds Dr. Kent.


Despite this report, some women are still on a mission to find a non-fuckboy boy.


“I know that all the research and every experience I’ve ever had is saying men are going to fuck with me,” says Molly Reese, a participant in the study. “But I will do anything it takes to avoid the fuckboys and find true love.”


Sources confirm the only way to really avoid the fuckboys is to move to a floating iceberg in the Antarctic and slowly drift away from civilization.