An unsettling new report conducted by the University of Wisconsin, Madison finds that your friend Luke who’s currently spending the entirety of their summer on a yacht actually considers themselves “firmly middle class.”
“It’s rough for us, people with a medium to low amount of money, these days,” your friend told reporters while simultaneously motioning for their uniformed yacht attendant to come refill their champagne. “My dad recently had to lay off hundreds of employees from the major corporation he owns. It’s been rough.”
Your friend group was shocked by these findings.
“That’s not at all what I was expecting,” your friend, Alyssa, told reporters. “I thought he was well aware he’s rich. His parents’ house has an in-ground trampoline, for god’s sake.”
You agreed, even though you personally weren’t that close with Luke, as he transferred to a private boarding school when you two were in high school and you’d never been on the same side of a gated community since.
“He’s the richest person I know, personally,” you said. “If he’s middle class, then what am I?”
Another member of your friend group expressed similar sentiments, saying, “His house has a wine cellar.”
The report also found that not only does your friend consider themselves middle class, they think they’re on the lower end.
Lead Researcher Kayla Hardy explained that it became obvious that your friend had no idea how rich they actually were after a period of prolonged observation.
“We heard them sigh and wonder ‘how the other half lives’ after seeing a mansion in the same neighborhood where their family owns a slightly smaller mansion,” she explained. “While shocking, results like these actually aren’t all that uncommon.”
According to the study, about 99.5% of people who own more than two jet skis but fewer than five consider themselves to be middle class.
Researchers also reported overhearing your friend shouting “Eat the rich!” as if “the rich” didn’t also include them and their entire extended family.
When presented with the report’s findings, your friend took issue with several different points.
“This? This isn’t a yacht! It’s a multi-level boat. If you want to see a yacht, I can take you to the yacht club where my family has a membership and show you what a real one looks like.”
