In a report emerging from the office of the nonprofit influencer marketing conglomerate you work for, your coworker has been gone for so long that at this point, it’s pretty obvious she’s pooping.
This is damning news, as everyone is going to have to act normal when she gets back, even though it’s glaringly clear she just dropped a deuce.
“I smelled something crazy about 35 minutes ago,” your other coworker, Tai Cheung, told the group while you all huddled together to get to the bottom of this. “And then strategically, about three minutes later, Hannah got up, yawned really big, and went, ‘Well, umm, I guess I have to go…do something outside for a bit,’ then practically sprinted out of the room.”
Sources confirm you saw her run down the hallway, look both ways, then take a left at the door leading outside and instead head towards the bathroom. You found this initially suspicious, but only decided it was damning evidence after about 30 minutes had passed.
“Why wouldn’t she just say she was going to piss?” you asked. “The deception alone suggests she had to poop.”
As the clock struck 1:45, Hannah’s long-standing absence was beginning to become worrisome.
“We had a meeting at 1:40, and she Slack-ed me, saying, ‘Sorry, still doing something outside! It’s super important and work-related and pretty confidential!’” Tai continued. “She knows we know she pooped, right? Also, literally nothing we do is confidential. We work in marketing.”
At 1:55, Hannah finally came back to the office and tried to pretend like nothing had happened, but it was clear there was tension in the air. Everyone was desperately trying to act normal.
“Does anyone have the viewership records for last week’s Facebook ad?” Hannah asked, as if she didn’t just take a huge, massive shit in the company bathroom that all employees share.
“Um, yeah! I do!” replied Tai, as if he didn’t know that Hannah just took a giant shit in the company bathroom that all employees share.
Sources confirm that from the outside, this interaction appeared normal, but the subtext was absolutely damning.
As of press time, Hannah finally cracked and admitted she genuinely was just peeing in the bathroom but wanted to spend a bunch of time checking Instagram and Twitter on her phone.
“Oh, for sure!” you said. “Why didn’t she just say that?”
