REPORT: Half of All Americans Can’t Remember if They Pooped Today or if That Was Yesterday

In a report out of the University of Southern California, just over half of all Americans aren’t super sure if they pooped today or if that was yesterday – or maybe it was the day before that?


“We were surprised to find not only that most adults do not have a regular daily bowel movement,” says lead researcher Francesca Delaney. “But that they had no idea if their last one was yesterday, or if that was actually three days ago?”


“Just by asking the question, they were immediately confused and worried about all the shit accumulating inside of them,” Delaney added. “As doctors, we found this information concerning.”


While researchers admit it’s possible that many of these people could have definitely pooped today, any definitive results from this study would prove difficult unless they could really nail it down.


“We tried to look at their screen time on their phones to try and correlate with bowel movements, but they were all on their phones too much in general to make a connection,” says Delaney. “You’d think you would remember taking a shit. You really would think.”


As long days in quarantine seem to blend together in an endless cluster of days, this has only made it harder to remember if that huge shit you took was on Thursday, or maybe it was last weekend? Who knows.


“We’re trying to find ways to get more accurate data in our next study,” Delaney says. “We may start asking people to write them down afterward, like dreams, so they remember them more.”


Researchers also discovered correlations between a lack of awareness of bowel movements and the last time they drank a glass of water and if coffee counts as water in this case.