In a groundbreaking new study coming out of the University of Michigan, researchers have found that your cat doesn’t actually hate guests, it just hates listening to your fake ass make conversation with them.
“Yeah, your cat dives under the bed every time you have guests over,” premier cat behavior expert and lead researcher on the study, Amber Wozniak, explained. “Not because they’re afraid, but because they hate the person you become around other people.”
According to the study, the way you act when it’s just you and your cat is “chill” and “quiet” and “interested in distributing treats.” Contrarily, the findings revealed that when you have people over, your personality skews more toward the “loud” and “talking” and “not even remotely interested in tossing out treats” end of the spectrum.
“Our methods in this study were airtight, we looked at your behavior with and without guests, and your cat’s behavior with you, you and guests, and just with guests,” Dr. Wozniak continued. “It also doesn’t hurt that I can communicate with animals. Hold on, your cat wanted me to tell you that you sound like a pretentious piece of shit when you have friends over to watch a movie and that they felt secondhand embarrassment when you started talking about your alleged ‘love of French cinema.’”
Upon publication of the study, the general public was more interested in Dr. Wozniak’s ability to communicate with animals than why their cat hides when guests are over – much to the ire of the Lead Researcher.
“It’s not about me being able to talk to animals!” Dr. Wozniak asserted angrily. “It’s about the fact that your cat called you a ‘personality-less shell of a human with no real interests and a debilitating praise kink,’” Wozniak said. “Also, you reek of desperation. Your cat didn’t say that, but I’m just speculating. We in the science community call that a hypothesis.”
The study found that you’re 50% less likely to engage in inane small talk when no guests are over. However, your cat confirmed that you’ll almost certainly bring up the weather if one or more other people are in the mix.”
The study concluded by saying that if you want your cats to be more social when you have people over, you should drop the act, control the pitch and volume of your voice, and be more true to the “handing out treats” side of yourself.
