Summer is just around the bend, and there’s nothing better than spending a blissful weekend freeloading at your coworker’s weekend home. Unfortunately, you have a limited amount of time to cozy up to those acquaintances before summer. Follow these tips to find yourself picking sand out of your bikini faster than you can say, “Sag Harbor.”
1. Keep It Topical – Next time you’re lingering over a cup o’ Joe with your more successful coworker, bond by broaching topics on summer homeowners’ minds: sunscreen, skin cancer, tics, pool house must, soggy lobster rolls, rosacea – the list is as long as a sandworm. If you keep at it, they might start think of you every time they think of their beach house.
2. Hostess Gift – Strawberry preserves, wild orchids, shells – summer homeowners already have enough random seasonal crap filling up their second guest room. Try setting yourself apart by implying that you gift the good stuff. Mention that Martha Stewart says tea sachets make a great gift box, and that weird Broadway connection you have just can’t stop throwing tickets your way.
3. Beach Reads – No one really wants to read books all summer, so show them you can provide better entertainment. Regale the break room with the untold oral history of The Ghost of Lake/Shore/Country House. When you get to the part about the Child Gobbling Dock Gremlins, lock eyes with your would-be host and admit you are the One True Slayer. Consider it as an audition.
4. Kiss The Cook – When coworkers are talking grill troubles, chime in that you’re good with a grill, and better with your mouth. Male or female – we really can’t overstress the importance of putting out. Or go the mysterious route and say: “Salt air makes me do crazy things,” and leave it at that. They’ll know.
5. Flattery Will Get You Everywhere – Try a cute colleague compliment like: “Janet! Either you’re rockin’ a serious crisp, or your mama mamboed Lou Bega. Either way, I’m impressed.” To underscore your point, start singing Mambo #5. When it comes time to making their houseguest list, you can be sure to be stuck deeper in her head than Lyme disease. People fucking love that song.
