People Think I Hate Millennials, But Really I Just Hate My Son, Brian

As a baby boomer, I’m expected to hate millennials. My generation has a long-held reputation of admonishing them for ruining the peaceful society they inherited from us. But honestly, that’s not how I feel at all. I could never blame an entire generation like that. In reality I only hate one person, and he’s my terrible son, Brian, who lives at home.


That might sound harsh, but hear me out: When I complain about lazy young people not doing their part, I’m referring specifically to Brian, who always needs help with money but then spends it all on vintage arcade games on eBay, he leaves water all over the floor after he showers, and he makes me call him at least 20 times before he picks up, even when he’s just down in the basement


I don’t want to give anybody the idea that I don’t respect the challenges of millennials, but Brian is the most infuriating person I’ve ever met.


A lot of my baby boomer friends claim millennials are worse than Generation X, but I disagree. So many times, I’ve heard them passionately reduce their entire generation down to a few adjectives like “narcissistic,” “lazy” and “entitled.” And I just nod whenever that happens. Not because I hate millennials, but because all of those words perfectly describe my awful son Brian, whom I named after a dog I saw in a park once, a choice I’ve regretted ever since. Yesterday he called me to ask how to heat up spaghetti. From my own kitchen. He’s 25. I hate him so much.



I know what you’re going to say: It’s not fair to dismiss anyone so casually. I shouldn’t do that to my son or to an entire generation. Well, I don’t. I’m proud of millennials for surviving in a society where their shot at a middle-class existence has disappeared and been replaced with an economic system designed to support only the already-wealthy. But my son Brian sucks, and he’s probably going to suck for the rest of his life. That’s just something I’ve learned to accept.
Yesterday he tried starting a GoFundMe campaign to buy himself a SodaStream, but gave up after realizing he had to create an account first. Can anyone tell me exactly what’s wrong with my idiot son? I just can’t believe I raised him, and yet here we are.


His younger cousin, Tyler, is married and just bought a house. Brian just asked me how credit cards work.


While I certainly don’t agree with my generation’s decision to shame millennials, I find myself sympathizing with their anger because that’s how Brian makes me feel. Honestly, he better find a real nine-to-five job with a dental plan soon and start supporting me, or I won’t be able to believe how much time I’ve wasted on him.