REPORT: Boyfriend Doesn’t Like It When You Make His Penis ‘Dance Around’ Like a ‘Little Vaudevillian Showman’

In a shocking report out of your bedroom, your boyfriend apparently “isn’t a big fan” of you making his flaccid penis sashay around like a saucy little Vaudeville star from yesteryear.


You told reporters that you were just as surprised as they were.


“I was just having a little fun!” you said. “I thought he would like to see his dick perform the entirety of Abbott and Costello’s ‘Who’s on First?’ in the form of a one-man – sorry, one-penis – show! When he didn’t seem to enjoy that, I stopped immediately and moved on to a rousing, dick-centric rendition of a classic early Charlie Chaplin pantomime act.”


The reviews are in: He fucking hated it.


You, however, were still very confident in the theatrical performance, saying, “I have a feeling his penis and I are going to be some of those ‘not appreciated during their time’ type of artists.”


Your boyfriend wanted to make it very clear that you and his penis weren’t a comedy duo, adding that your little acts made him feel “small,” and “like a comedically-inclined 20th century Frenchman…in a bad way.”


“I’m just me!” he explained to reporters. “I’m not an ostentatious Vaudeville heavyweight of the 1920s. And my penis certainly isn’t either! When she does stuff like this, it just makes me feel like me and my limp, dancing-averse penis aren’t enough for her. Plus, I hate slapstick comedy, and she knows that.”


When asked if you and your boyfriend’s penis had anything else up your sleeves besides absurdist comedy acts, you replied that you two were a veritable variety show.


“What do you want to see?” you asked. “We could do juggling, we could do magic – do you want me to make his dick disappear? I’ve never tried it but I could definitely give it a shot.”



Your boyfriend quickly changed his tune upon hearing this, saying, “Slapstick is fine! It’s great actually! I mean, I don’t really think it would resonate with modern audiences, but please don’t make my penis disappear.”


At press time, you and your boyfriend’s penis have decided to ignore the naysaying critics and hit the road to perform a cross-country tour, with your boyfriend begging you to at least consider modernizing your act à la Cirque du Soleil, or something.