What we put into our bodies has a direct impact on our health and well-being. For you, it specifically has an impact on the well-being of your several family members, whom we’ve kidnapped and are holding in this abandoned warehouse. Here are five super foods you should be having every day, if you ever want to see Phil and Amy and Susan and Brett and Janice and Caroline again:
Spinach isn’t just a green and leafy plant; it’s also a noted bodybuilder! A rich source of omega-3s and folate, it will help grow your muscles even as it lowers your risk of heart disease and stroke. In your case, it also lowers the risk that we walk out of here with one of your people and hand them off to Foley, our runner and veteran of the Florida state prison system, who’s ready to take off with them in a truck with stolen plates. Good luck seeing them again once they’re with that guy! Bonus: Folate increases blood flow to the groin, which helps with sexual issues as you get older. We’re sure you’d like to have intercourse with your husband Phil well into your senior years, assuming that all of us get through this situation. We recommend one cup fresh or one-half cup cooked every single day. Got that?
For the past two thousand years, yogurt has been boosting the immune systems of human beings throughout the world, providing probiotic organisms that help act as backup for your body’s regiments of helpful bacteria. All of which probably leaves you wishing that government forces could target our location. But rest assured: eating yogurt is the greatest thing you can do for yourself, and also your family, since we’re off the map out here. Before eating yogurt, make sure it says “live and active cultures” on the packaging. Was any part of that unclear? We’d hate to have a misunderstanding. Aim for one cup of the snack a day. We left a note on the fridge listing the healthiest yogurts before we abducted your husband and five children, to make your trip to the store as easy, and as urgent, as possible.
When it comes to this fresh and hardy fruit, there’s one word you need to know. No, it’s not “money.” We’ve told you that it’s not about that. (Money has no meaning in the new world that we’re creating.) We’re talking, of course, about lovely lycopene! Things to know about this antioxidant is that there’s more of it found in red varieties, and that it’s as plentiful in processed tomatoes as in fresh. Eat either kind 5-7 times a week, and your precious children—currently sitting on stacks of sheet metal, still in their pajamas—will be equally spared of harm! Lycopene has a whole slew of life-extending benefits, including lessening your risk of several cancers, reducing the chance of developing for coronary artery disease. You don’t want little Caroline to know you didn’t take care of yourself, causing us to take her to what we are referring to in whispers as “God’s country.” We suggest 22 mg daily of lycopene, or one glass of tomato juice. You have one hour.
Blueberries are called “brain berries” because of the way their antioxidants help prevent memory loss as you get older. And you certainly don’t want to forget anything we’ve told you today, as following our instructions is the only route to seeing your family, dazed but unharmed, suddenly returned on your front lawn. Imagine their happy faces, the relief you’ll feel with them safe and back home, as you eat this North American superfood rich in protein and several vitamins integral to cardiovascular health. We’d say go for one cup of fresh blueberries a day, or a bit less than that if they’re dried. Tastes good in your cereal, or while you’re frantically on your cell phone, surrounded by approaching police cars and ambulances. Society is ours now.
But none of that will happen—not the tearful reunion, not the local news interview, not the sense of a balanced universe restored—unless you eat these five things every. Single. Day. Are you ready to commit to eating, on a daily basis, the cereal grain that received the FDA’s first seal of approval? Are you truly prepared to accept the muscle-friendly energy that the fiber-slowed carbs release? Are you ready to bear-hug Susan and Brett and Janice as they huddle under their rescue blankets and say, honestly, “Mom took care of you all by taking care of herself”? If you are, you know what you have to do. But we’ll say it anyway: a one-half cup daily serving.
There are your instructions. Hope this helps!!