REPORT: All Haters Either Jealous of or Deeply Attracted to You

According to a new study conducted by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, it appears that all haters are either super jealous or just deeply attracted to you, specifically.


“We thought that your haters might not like you because of something you did to them in the past,” says Dr. Frances Vasquez, Head of Research at MIT. “But after countless studies, we now know that all the people who don’t like you just want to be you or be with you, like, sooo bad. It’s super obvious.”


While researchers originally thought that there must be some gray area between these two polarities of jealousy and sexual attraction, the data says “absolutely fucking not”.


“No, there is no in-between,” Dr. Vasquez told us. “It’s either one or the other. If they’re not with you, they’re against you, and it’s for one of these two reasons. Period.”


According to these reports, it looks like you shouldn’t be held accountable for anything ever at all – even that one thing you did that haunts your dreams several times a week.


One example of this study featured your one friend Alexis, who stopped talking to you seemingly out of nowhere and now talks shit about you to other people constantly.


“Yeah, we found out that she’s just jealous of you,” Dr. Vasquez said. “Because of your natural beauty, and just your whole general vibe.”


However, in other cases, the answers weren’t as clear, like that girl in your psychology class sophomore year of college who would always argue with you whenever you said anything in class.


“That one took us awhile,” Dr. Vasquez told us. “But after several months of research, we found that she was actually super attracted to you and didn’t know what to do about it, so she became a hater instead.”


While the amount of haters you have continues to grow steadily each year, the research shows that they only hate you for one of these two reasons, and in rare cases, both.



“Not many people know this, but jealousy is a disease,” says Dr. Vasquez. “And our health sciences department will be studying this extensively as well.”


As for why your other haters only hate you because you’re attractive, these researchers will have to get back to you on that.