If you’re in the mood for a little mid-2000s nostalgia, then you’re gonna want to remember the once tabloid filling daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, and then you’re gonna want to tell me anything you recall because I’m her babysitter and need help finding her.
I mean, do you even know the last time you saw little miss Suri Cruise who was once primetime celeb parenting gossip fodder? Seriously, do you know the last time you saw her? If I could place her somewhere on a definitive timeline that could be a really helpful start because Katie’s going to be home in two hours and I haven’t seen her in four.
When you think of Suri Cruise you may think of the allegedly spoiled toddler everyone loved to speculate about, but now she’s 14 — yes 14!! — years old. So maybe stop picturing a toddler and instead picture that but like, plus 11 or 12 years. About yea high? Brown hair. Basically looks like Katie Holmes but a kid. Have you seen her? She said she was going to do homework in her room and now she’s gone and she’s at that weird, liminal age where running away could mean she went to buy candy at a corner store but could also mean she joined a cult? Please help.
While Suri Cruise once captivated the public imagination and was an ideal canvas onto which strangers could project their ideas of celebrity, family ethics, and excess, it’s important to remember that she’s now a young woman with personal agency. And she has used that agency to absolutely dupe the shit out of her well-meaning babysitter and make a run for it, perhaps to a desert cult out west, or maybe she’s just hiding in some secret room in this townhouse? Rich people have secret rooms, right? Do you think if I just told Katie, “Hey, welcome back. Suri’s in the secret room,” she might let me leave without asking follow up questions?
So if you’re looking back on the pre-Instagram, tabloid era of celeb culture, snap out of it and come help me find this kid because I feel like Tom Cruise is not the kind of guy who would be chill about a babysitter losing his daughter, and I don’t want the Church of Scientology coming after me.