During this time of crisis, a lot of questions come to mind: “What should I be doing?” “Why am I so lonely?” “Is Anthony Fauci kind of hot?” So here’s a quick quiz to determine if you want to fuck the leading expert on infectious diseases, or if you’re just completely starved for human interaction and normalcy!
1. Fauci says, “We must continue social distancing until May.” You smile because:
a. He’s looking directly at the camera. At you. Did his lip just quiver? Oh my.
b. Two weeks. Two weeks ’til you can see your friends. Okay. You can do that.
2. Fauci encourages people to avoid grocery stores. Your body tingles because:
a. You assume the end of his sentence will be, “cuz I’m taking care of the groceries this week, babe.” What a fucking catch.
b. Saying “excuse me” at the grocery store is your one moment of joyful human connection. So much for that.
3. You hear a rumor that Trump is considering firing Dr. Fauci. You react strongly because:
a. You are both distressed and horny at the possibility of Dr. Fauci being publicly emasculated. Is he just a soft, weak man who will do whatever you want and who you could snap between your two thighs? Ouchie ouchie!
b. You’d kill for a rumor about anyone. Gossip. Friends. Humans.
4. Fauci does an interview on a podcast. Your heart skips a beat because:
a. Whether he’s saying “stay home” or “hyrdochloroquine is not a cure,” Dr. Fauci’s commanding voice makes your sexy parts tremble. You’re all for staying home to have him flatten your curves. You don’t even know what that entails, but with Fauci there? It sounds hot.
b. Someone is talking. A flesh bag with voice. I mean, remember flesh?
5. You read a Vanity Fair profile about the new world order during coronavirus, implying we may be forced to quarantine into June. You think:
a. Where’s the picture of Fauci? Oh my God, here it is. Look at those socks. Fuck. I bet his wife got him those. Oh no, are we being BAD, Dr. Fauci? Am I your little “sidepiece?” Please do not social distance your face away from my ass, daddy!
b. I need human.
If you answered mostly As:
Congrats, you’re crushing on an ITALIAN DOCTOR! He’s very old but WHO CARES?!
If you answered mostly Bs:
You gotta plan a zoom call or do a stuffed animal tea party! Time to get some attention before you start talking to your kitchen utensils again!!