1. Hey, sorry, does anyone here have an iPhone 5 charger?
a. I think I do! Hold on.
b. Uh, I might, let me check.
c. No, sorry. Anyway, my mom got out of the hospital around the beginning of September.
2. Okay, thanks. It’s just that I’m at, like, 3%.
a. Yeah, no problem.
b. Huh, I really thought I brought it with me today.
c. Wish I could help. Anyway, as I was saying, my mom got out of the hospital and everything seemed to be looking up.
3. Usually I remember to bring it, but I left it at work today! I can literally visualize the exact place I left it on my desk!
a. HA HA! Been there before! What a drag!
b. Right, right. Let me just check one more pocket.
c. Is there some reason you need to use your phone at this exact moment? I never see you and this has been a really tough time for me.
4. Damn, do you think there’s an outlet somewhere in here?
a. Maybe behind the bar! I’ll ask! I love you unconditionally!
b. I don’t see one. Oh wait, here it is! You said Droid charger, right?
c. I don’t know. Honestly, I think I’m gonna go. I don’t understand the hype about iPhones, and neither did my mom. She’s dead now, so that was the end of the story and I hope you know you’’ve been a pretty terrible friend.
Mostly A’s: You totally have an iPhone 5 charger.
Oh my god, thank you so much, you’re totally a lifesaver! You have an iPhone 5 charger and really understand what it’s like when your phone is on low battery and you want to be able to see who’s liked your new profile picture.
Mostly B’s: You might have an iPhone 5 charger.
It’s really a toss-up here! You have the all the right intentions, but you don’t always follow through. You want to be helpful, and that’s amazing, but you could stand to be more reliable and have the same phone I have.
Mostly C’s: Your mom recently passed away.
Chargers are so trivial in comparison to the huge, untimely tragedy you’ve just suffered. I am so sorry for your loss. I actually want to send you this totally amazing advice column I read that might resonate with you, let me just email it to you. Oh shit, my phone is almost out of batteries—do you have an iPhone 5 charger I can use real quick?