Wait, can I ask you guys a question real quick? It’s kind of weird: I think I have freak-boobs that make me unlovable and gross and UGH…unless they’re normal?? I just want to be sure if I’m the only one with these boobs. Watching porn doesn’t help, because most of those ladies have fake boobs, right? Please tell me I’m right. I’m too shy to ask my friends or any guys to look. Sometimes I think my boobs are normal, but maybe they’re too normal? Please help me by taking this quiz.
1. What size are your areolas?
- About the size of a quarter.
- The size of a ping-pong ball.
- The size and shape of a ping-pong ball.
- Whole boob.
2. Would you participate in the #FreeTheNipple campaign?
- Yes, but only to raise awareness for armpit flop.
- Yes but I’m only freeing the good one.
3. Boobs are supposed to be different sizes, right?
- Probably not?
- As long as one isn’t a whole cup size bigger.
- I buy two different bras and sew them together.
- YES, YES! Own it, girl. This has NOTHING to do with your scoliosis!
4. Can you fit your boobs into toilet paper rolls?
- Hell no!
- What is wrong with you?
- If I squeeze hard enough.
- Of course! My boobs are basically wiener dogs.
5. Okay wait, they’re supposed to be different shapes, right?
- Jesus Christ, see a doctor!
- Only if you have a donor boob.
- Maybe if you lean to one side for extended periods. Do you have scoliosis or something?
- You’re gonna ask about different colors next, aren’t you? That’s fine. You do you!
6. What if one is really, really sunburned?
- How did you manage that?
- Get a new shirt ASAP.
- It’ll probably go away in a couple days
- I knew you’d ask this. Would you feel better if I gave you a YAAAASSS KWEEEEEN!!?
If you answered…
Mostly A’s: You don’t have boobs like mine.
Mostly B’s: Ugh. You don’t have boobs like mine, either. Wtf?
Mostly C’s: Thanks for trying, but you don’t have boobs like mine. And yes, I have scoliosis.
Mostly D’s: OMG! You have boobs like mine! You are now my best friend. Dump all your other friends. I’ll be requiring all of your free time for boob affirmations.