You’ve cultivated a facade of whimsical spontaneity for your new boyfriend and he’s bought it hook, line, and sinker. But one of the unintended consequences of your manic pixie dream girl persona is that he just won’t stop asking you to go outside to look at the moon. Here are five reasons to give him to explain that while you’d totally love to, you just can’t right now.
1. Your Bangs
You’re dying to look at the moon but you literally can’t see it because your chestnut-colored bangs are blocking your impossibly huge green eyes. Tell him that you usually have them trimmed by your gay BFF who’s also your neighbor— it’s like, your thing. But he was, um, out of town this week. So you would look at the moon, but you can’t actually see it, so you might as well stay in where it’s warm.
2. Your Impromptu Party in Tribute to Merle Haggard
When the thought of standing on a windy roof to look at a rock in the sky is too much to bear, let your man know that you so wish you could go outside to look at the moon, but why not throw a quirky little party instead? Text everyone you know and invite them over to your place to pour one out for the Son of Bakersfield. Of course, you have his entire collection on vinyl because you’re adorably cute but also have depth beyond your years. The moon will be there tomorrow, okay?
3. Your Personal Crisis
Yes, going outside to look at the moon is so you, but you know what else is? Having a fit. As soon as he mentions the moon, crumple to the floor wearing one of his ratty old T-shirts and Diff’rent Strokes boy shorts. You’re having a personal crisis! It doesn’t really matter why, you’re just providing him the opportunity to spoon-feed you the same “Life is painful and beautiful and BIG!” mumbo jumbo you’re usually spouting off to him. He’ll feel confident, and you’ll feel relieved not having to performatively shiver for thirty minutes.
4. A Taco Adventure
Deep down, you’re a rational woman who knows the moon isn’t going anywhere, but on the outside, you’re a woman deeply committed to attractive whimsy. When your guy saunters up to you and whispers, “Hey, I wanna show you something,” and you just know it’s moon-time, yank your hand away and say, “No, it’s taco time.” The moon is perfection but everything stops for tacos! You’ll declare this with such conviction his head will be spinning. Now you get a yummy treat that’s crater-free! You are so full of surprises!
5. You’re Dying
When you realize that your guy is super lame and the only reason he likes you is because he thinks you’re going to “fix him,” get out of moon-gazing for good by letting him know that you’re dying. In a few short months you can breathlessly tell him that your final wish is one last glimpse of the moon, but for tonight, you’re dying of a rare, untreatable disease that will ravage your insides while still allowing your face and body to remain excruciatingly beautiful until the end. You’ll have taught him a lesson, which is what he really wanted all along.
When you’ve committed too hard to rabid eccentricity and have the pay the price in the form of nightly moon-gazing, use these excuses to get out of it while upholding your quirky persona. Now, don’t you have a kite to make out of his expensive business suits?