Quick! Pizza or Dick?

Life is full of surprises, and when you’re thrown into a situation and time is of the essence, you sometimes have to make a gut decision. It can be difficult to make a choice quickly, but realizing what you’d prioritize instinctually can be a useful exercise in understanding yourself. What would you do in crisis? Would you prioritize your boyfriend or your career? What about pizza or dick? Take this quiz to find out:


Don’t think! Your boyfriend asks you how you want to celebrate your promotion tonight. What do you tell him?

a.) I want to go out for a nice dinner and pop a bottle of champagne in my honor.

b.) I want you to order me a giant cheesy-crust pizza ASAP and don’t let them forget the garlic dipping sauce again or I’ll break up with you!

c.) I want that big ol’ dick, in my bed, right now. That’s my dick, and you’re just attached to it!


Hurry! Your house in on fire and you have two minutes to get out of the building. Everyone is out safe, but what do you grab?

a.) I grab my mother’s scrapbook. She left it to me in her will and I would be crushed if that family heirloom was destroyed.

b.) I run to the kitchen and open the fridge. I pull out the extra large pizza box with four slices of meat lovers combo left inside. I knock over the soy sauce and the milk, but who cares! I have the pizza! Everything will be okay!

c.) I sprint to my bedside table and grab my vibrator and the picture of 90s era Mario Lopez I keep beside it. If only there was time to have one last hoorah with it now… but no, my house is on fire! I can do that later!



NO TIME! YOU’RE DYING OF OLD AGE! What do you want to be written on your tombstone?

a.) Forever in our hearts.

b.) Never had kids, but sure had a lot of ‘za.

c.) In loving memory of me, and all the dicks I touched.



Mostly A’s: In crisis, you are a person who prioritizes things you hold close to your heart. You act out of love rapidly and instinctually!

Mostly B’s: You’re a pizza bitch, and no matter what life throws at you, you’ll quickly demand pepperoni and speedy delivery.

Mostly C’s: Life is full of surprises, but you always immediately know that the only thing you need to feel at home is a good dick.