So you’re trying to cut down on dairy? You’re not alone! Whether you’re lactose intolerant, going vegan, or just looking for more variety in your diet, there are tons of dairy-free cheeses available that give you a genuine dairy experience – including the same, dairy-like amounts of indigestion, gas and suffering. Here are some awesome non-dairy cheeses that still give you that wholesome dairy-like gas experience:
Daiya Mozzarella Style Shreds
We love Italian food, and you probably do, too. So why forego your favorite ooey-gooey dishes just because you’re avoiding dairy? This stuff will make you forget that it’s faux-cheese, because you’ll have authentic Italian lasagna farts all night! Don’t be shy about letting out a toot – it’s plant-based!
So Delicious Dairy Free Cheddar Jack
Quesadillas, anyone? This take on cheddar jack cheese is just as bold and flavorful as its milk-made equivalent, and just as gas-inducing, too! You can even bring it to work to sprinkle on your salad – just give yourself an extra five minutes at lunch to poop it out in the office bathroom.
GO Veggie! Cheddar Style Singles
Grilled cheese is a classic comfort food, and you deserve it just as much as your dairy-eating peers! So go ahead and melt these savory slices into a sandwich; just be sure you have body spray on hand, because you’re going to be trapped in a cycle of farts and constipation for hours with no end in sight!
Tofutti Better Than Cream Cheese
Creamy, dreamy and delicious, this artificial cream cheese tastes just like the real stuff! If the smooth taste doesn’t convince you, the bloating sure will! Go ahead and spread it on bagels, crackers or fresh veggies – while wearing your stretch pants, of course. What exactly is in this again??
Treeline Cracked Pepper Aged Nut Cheese
Get your taste buds and stomach acids ready! Made with cashews and black peppercorns, this is a top-tier cheese alternative. With a true gourmet taste, you’ll be double-checking the label to make sure it’s not dairy. Then, you’ll be double-checking the label on your antacid tablets to see if they help with gas pain. Yup, no dairy – all the gas!
Eating healthy isn’t always easy, but today’s varieties of cheese and dairy alternatives make it a little simpler. Call your local grocers to find out if they have these delicious fake cheeses in stock and try them all! Once you trick your brain and gastrointestinal system into thinking you’re eating cheese, you’ll be wondering, “Couldn’t I just eat real cheese for this?”
