In an indictment of modern living coming out of San Francisco, CA, 27-year-old Julia Saxe needs every single one of her senses to be occupied with some sort of stimulation in order for her to think.
Yes! This is where evolution has brought us!
“I can’t really work unless I’m listening to music or a podcast,” Julia told reporters gathered in her office, where she was eating lunch, watching TV, and working at the same time. “I also can’t work unless I have something to chew on. Now that I think of it, I need to be entirely distracted to work.”
Julia’s coworkers confirm none of them has ever seen her without headphones on and a fidget toy in her hand.
“I just need to occupy my hands in order to think, you know?” she said while leaning back in her chair and throwing a ball up into the air. “I need my hands occupied…and my ears…and my eyes…and my mouth…and my nose now that I think of it. I need every single sense occupied or it just becomes way too distracting.”
When asked what could possibly be distracting about silence, Julia answered, “It’s just so loud.”
“I would often come into her office and assume she was slacking off because she’d be wearing headphones and singing and eating and throwing stuff all the time,” Julia’s boss, Dylan Fillman, told reporters from right outside her cubicle. “Then, she explained that that’s how she comes up with her best stuff, and I decided I should just suspend disbelief and see how the results shook out. She’s never had a more productive quarter!”
Julia is her company’s most efficient software engineer, which is extremely surprising considering she spends much of the day listening to murder podcasts and clicking buttons for fun.
“If I’m not preoccupied, my mind just goes into overdrive, and I can’t have a single coherent thought,” she continued. “I have my best ideas when I’m doing the most stuff!”
One reporter tried to replicate this method in her own life and had to quit after about four minutes, citing hysteria-inducing overstimulation.
“It’s not for everybody, I’m sure,” Julia continued, making a replica of the Eiffel Tower out of silly putty while fully on the clock. “But it works perfectly for me!”
As of press time, Julia finished her workday and drove home in complete silence.
