In an inspiring story out of Denver, CO, 27-year-old nature lover Stephanie Washington has effectively cut down on her water usage simply by not drinking any, ever.
“I just want to do my part,” said a very dehydrated and terrible-looking Stephanie. “I never reach my daily recommended water intake anyways, so I just thought, ‘What the hell! Let’s just cut it all out!’”
Environmental experts have called this action “brash,” “a weird, nonsensical choice,” and “literally not helpful to the environment in any way.”
“Taking shorter showers, flushing your toilet less, checking your faucets for any leaks…these are all great ways to cut down on your water usage,” said Dr. Alicia Morrissey, head of the Environmental Studies department at the University of Michigan. “Refusing to drink water is not only detrimental to your health, it also has a virtually negligible impact on the average person’s water usage.”
“I really didn’t want to make any changes that would impact my lifestyle in a negative way,” Stephanie explained in response to Dr. Morrissey’s statements. “Sorry, taking a 40 minute steaming hot shower every day is a non-negotiable for me. Mostly because the steam makes me super light headed and I often pass out in the shower for 30 minutes at a time.”
In addition to making this change in her own life, Stephanie has taken to encouraging other people in her life to do the same.
“She told me I wasn’t ‘cosmically relevant enough’ to warrant consuming eight cups of water per day, and that I could probably get by with just two,” said Stephanie’s mom, Beth. “I don’t know…I guess I just thought she’d condemn me for my political opinions before my water-drinking habits.”
Other sources close to Stephanie have suggested that it’s become a weird moral thing for her.
“One time she knocked a full glass of water out of my hand and called me an ‘Earth killer,’” said Stephanie’s roommate, Caroline. “When I asked why she did that, all she said was, ‘I think we could all stand to be a little more dehydrated in the name of saving the planet.’”
Again, environmental experts explained that this really isn’t how “saving the planet” works and that if you, as an individual, are looking to make sustainable changes to your lifestyle, you could start with recycling, or perhaps carpooling to work.
Stephanie responded by saying, “I’m too tired from never drinking water to recycle, but carpooling to work might not be a bad idea, considering that I’m almost always on the verge of passing out these days.”
Unfortunately, this action ended up not being all that environmentally positive, as reporters later discovered that Stephanie works at a major fossil fuel company.
