In a developing story out of Phoenix, AZ, first-year marketing associate Gina Kim has been assigned a long-term task by her boss, Wyatt Nunan, who said, “Send it over whenever you get around to it!”
Amazing! It’ll never get done!
“From the second he said, ‘Take your time! No rush,’ it was an immediate panic,” Gina told reporters. “That’s simply too chill of a timeline. If I’m given a week, it’ll take a week. If I’m given forever…” The light left Gina’s eyes in this moment, and she was overcome by sobs. Reporters could only assume she was about to say, “It’ll take forever.”
Gina desperately tried to get Wyatt to give her a due date for the project, but he unequivocally refused, saying, “Great art takes as much time as you need. I know you can do this, and generally regard you as a fantastic employee.”
Cut the shit! Just give her the fucking deadline, asshole!
This isn’t the first time Gina has failed to complete an assignment for lack of a hard deadline. She has a slew of creative projects on the back burner that will simply never be put on the front burner and has promised herself she’s going to “work on a collection of short stories” since 2017.
“I’ll get it done eventually,” she lied to reporters. “It’s more of an internal project than anything, anyway. Like, no one’s asking for it.”
Correct! And as a result, she’ll never do it!
Gina’s roommate, Victoria Rosen, says this time blindness permeates Gina’s life. “One time I asked if she could do the dishes ‘sometime soon’ and of course she never did it,” Victoria told reporters. “But then I asked if she could do the dishes by 3:15, and she did them in five minutes, then thanked me for giving her life purpose. You have to give her a specific time or the part of her brain that cares about disappointing you won’t be activated. And that’s science!”
Scientists at the Northwestern University Department of Psychology confirm that this is a common phenomenon: “Many people suffer from a condition where, unless something has a deadline, it simply does not exist to them,” said Profession Dana Green. “Pregnancy? That takes nine months. But an autobiographical screenplay that you should probably write soon and send around to some agents? That could take a lifetime!”
Professor Green confirms a self-imposed deadline does not mitigate this issue, “because let’s be real with each other for a second.”
At press time, Gina pleaded with her boss to set her free from this “mortal hell of his creation,” and he relented, giving her an arbitrary, week-long timeline. She plans to spend six and a half of those days panicking, and five hours getting it done. You go, girl!