It’s summer wedding season, and you know what that means—half of the weddings you go to are for people who shouldn’t be together. If you can’t tell them face-to-face, get on social media and let them know you disapprove of their union with these subtle hashtags.
#neversettle
You know your friends are settling. Maybe they’re not such terrible people, but they are definitely terrible together. Your friends, in their temporary love stupor, will think this hashtag is a testament to their love. When they get divorced, you can refer to this hashtag to show them you were right all along.
#whynotbi
This hashtag is great, because it works for homosexual or heterosexual couples. (If the couple getting married is bisexual, move on to the next hashtag. If the couple getting married is Brad and Kelley, keep reading.) Why are your friends limiting themselves to their pre-defined sexual identities? They should be more open. Kelley kissed a lot of girls in college, why stop there? You’re forced to watch your friends grope each other for hours in public, so they should mix it up a little. At first, they’ll think you’re using this hashtag to defend everyone’s right to love. But in a few years, Brad and Kelley will thank you for your foresight.
#loveisntreal
It’s not just Brad and Kelley’s union you don’t approve of, it’s every union. Because love isn’t real and it’s just a social construct to keep society together, and you don’t exactly approve of society so why would you approve of marriage? Especially Brad and Kelley’s. Brad hit on you once and it made you uncomfortable, even if it was a joke where he was pretending to be a banana. You know those couples that make you believe in love again? Brad and Kelley isn’t one of them. In fact, they reinforce every problem you’ve ever had with the marriage-industrial complex. The first year of marriage is the hardest, and that’s when your friends will realize what your hashtag was saying all along.
#thisisahugemistake
This one gets right to the point. Take the most Instagram photos at the wedding, and soon all the guests sifting through #bradandkelleyforever will know how you feel. At first they’ll write it off as your dry sense of humor, but when things settle down and they have time to ruminate on their honeymoon, they’ll realize the enormous mistake they just made.
#dontmarrybrad (alternate: #dontmarrykelley)
Brad and Kelley shouldn’t get married, because they own several of the exact same pieces of clothing, and they always give unwanted advice to their single friends. And Kelley hates Brad’s mom. Start with this hashtag at the rehearsal dinner, and by the time the wedding ceremony arrives, everyone will be holding their breath, waiting for your response when the officiant says, “Speak now or forever hold your peace.” And that’s when you drop your truth bombs on everyone. All that truthin’ may even land that hot groomsman! Brad’s dad is pretty hot, too, and knows by now that he that shouldn’t have married Brad’s mom and had Brad to begin with.
With these under-the-radar hashtags, you’ll feel better once you’ve spoken your mind. And you’ll sleep easy at night knowing you’ve saved your friends years of pain and the financial burden of a divorce—and that you were right all along.
